Burning that candle:
I made an embarassing mistake the other day. I'm not going to give you full details for fear of being arrested or simply avoided like the human plague I can sometimes be...
Let's just say that instead of taking one medication I took another. One with multiple side effects. During the day. Effects lasting from the tail end of work throughout the school eve.
I only late at night realized my mistake because as is common in my life, my body is unpredictable. Therefore things like lapses in memory, slight visual hallucinations, a mumble-stumble, etc. ARE COMPLETELY POSSIBLE. They are also things I know how to deal with, being treated like a guinea pig in my formative years for a delightful AID that sometimes made me unconcious. The joy!
This will never happen again, as I have now taken it upon my duties to personally make the labels quite discernable from one another.
Other news:
Swingin titties. Every time I'm at the YMCA I want the other ladies v. small a cup titties. I will have to learn how to be in a better mood about my own jugs. GOALS. I HAVE THEM.
20-Something Party news:
This weekend was spent at a few hotspots. I re-met some guy I had conversed with the previous week at Duff's. I saw Manson Family Picnic at Pete's Candy Store [many of my friends showed up and MFP were really bangin for a second show]. I saw David DePoris get his grove on in front of an absolutely abnoxious crowd of NYU students. They were all miserably drunk and the ratio of one dude to hot asian chick was great. Great for them. I was looking for some brothers, or at least people that looked like they hadn't fallen out of their parents wallet in spandex and cocaine covered smocks. Oh, right. I met some lovely ladies. They were on the powder tip and I was on the just got kicked out by security tip. It was fun but I'm off the crazy glitter and I needed a snooze anyhow. This GinCat likes the soft pillows these days. I'm surprised I didn't stay in all the week-end trying to re-watch twin peaks.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Hope I don't feel differently tomorrow.
The human body. Created for all of the struggle that can be felt by the gifts we were blessed with!
For a while now I have had a terrible attitude about money. I grew up on the disadvantaged side of the spectrum because of a whole lot of bad decisions my parents made. Staying together, over-estimating people skills. You get the idea. I've known work from a very young age which has it's drawbacks.
For one, you grow up resenting those with no work ethic. I may be lazy when it comes to buckling down and concentrating on details, but I've been beating up the big picture pussy with a dick the size of a bayonet [I'm very old-fashioned].
Excuse the terrible reference and slight to women. Where I'm from it becomes a part of your everyday language. Instead of erasing that, I'd thought I'd give you a peep into what commuting on the NYC Subway is like. Day in and day out.
Of course I'm aching and dying step by step and I reach my front door and the elevator is going to be out for two months and I turn the key and sigh and walk up the flights with the ole "I didn't die on the last landing, I ain't gonna die on this one" attitude.
Back to money though. It's when I'm at my most tired that I really do NOT care. Heading into this gloomy recession has hit me hard. I'm really poor in every sense of the word. At least in the sense that I can not take you out to dinner and I steal rolls from the cafeteria and I will make you a Valentine's Day card with stale markers and you will think I'm creative but really wouldn't we all like chocolates and don't you think I need a haircut and health insurance? Seriously though. I honestly think of my father coming to this country and only having a radio to occupy his home time. Or, of course, interaction with family. OR just hanging out on the corner with people before the days of invasive ring tones and clothing for dogs.
The thing is, I can fall just as deep into the gold filled rabbit hole. I like to spend money because it's such a stupid thing. I'll give you this if you give me that. In reality I don't need what you have unless it is knowledge you are imparting or the ride it takes to get me there. I have a nice watch I don't need and my ex-boyfriend actually buys me stockings and feeds me when I don't have food in my house. I can not put a price on good company or a good show versus an ankle sweller and skull crusher [I'm a fragile boned lady, ask my PediR]. I can not put a price on sidling up to someone with a cheap beer and feeling them out. If someone kicks a trash can and startles a Goddamn CAT I can not recreate the moment of 4:30 am deserted Brooklyn streets. This is my version of "money can't buy you love" or "I will not contemplate slaughtering that woman who is wearing a full length fur in april, for she is radiant in ignorance and rich in a nose broken on purpose to smell the richness of her own shit." vampires of zanzibar. sensory overload!
I always think if I can't live anymore or I lose my house or shelter, if I lose my family, if I ruin everything, I'll just go back to the dirt and make january nights smell like the butter of bare damp trees. yum.
You tend to write uplifting things at the craziest of times. fuckit.
For a while now I have had a terrible attitude about money. I grew up on the disadvantaged side of the spectrum because of a whole lot of bad decisions my parents made. Staying together, over-estimating people skills. You get the idea. I've known work from a very young age which has it's drawbacks.
For one, you grow up resenting those with no work ethic. I may be lazy when it comes to buckling down and concentrating on details, but I've been beating up the big picture pussy with a dick the size of a bayonet [I'm very old-fashioned].
Excuse the terrible reference and slight to women. Where I'm from it becomes a part of your everyday language. Instead of erasing that, I'd thought I'd give you a peep into what commuting on the NYC Subway is like. Day in and day out.
Of course I'm aching and dying step by step and I reach my front door and the elevator is going to be out for two months and I turn the key and sigh and walk up the flights with the ole "I didn't die on the last landing, I ain't gonna die on this one" attitude.
Back to money though. It's when I'm at my most tired that I really do NOT care. Heading into this gloomy recession has hit me hard. I'm really poor in every sense of the word. At least in the sense that I can not take you out to dinner and I steal rolls from the cafeteria and I will make you a Valentine's Day card with stale markers and you will think I'm creative but really wouldn't we all like chocolates and don't you think I need a haircut and health insurance? Seriously though. I honestly think of my father coming to this country and only having a radio to occupy his home time. Or, of course, interaction with family. OR just hanging out on the corner with people before the days of invasive ring tones and clothing for dogs.
The thing is, I can fall just as deep into the gold filled rabbit hole. I like to spend money because it's such a stupid thing. I'll give you this if you give me that. In reality I don't need what you have unless it is knowledge you are imparting or the ride it takes to get me there. I have a nice watch I don't need and my ex-boyfriend actually buys me stockings and feeds me when I don't have food in my house. I can not put a price on good company or a good show versus an ankle sweller and skull crusher [I'm a fragile boned lady, ask my PediR]. I can not put a price on sidling up to someone with a cheap beer and feeling them out. If someone kicks a trash can and startles a Goddamn CAT I can not recreate the moment of 4:30 am deserted Brooklyn streets. This is my version of "money can't buy you love" or "I will not contemplate slaughtering that woman who is wearing a full length fur in april, for she is radiant in ignorance and rich in a nose broken on purpose to smell the richness of her own shit." vampires of zanzibar. sensory overload!
I always think if I can't live anymore or I lose my house or shelter, if I lose my family, if I ruin everything, I'll just go back to the dirt and make january nights smell like the butter of bare damp trees. yum.
You tend to write uplifting things at the craziest of times. fuckit.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
working title.
or "return to the big screen", "post-partum woes", "beached icicles: beast tricycles"
:
"everybody hurts"
I went to my car tonight and was surprised not by the sight of it, but by what was inside. Gee wiz, it was a whole bunch of feelings!
Let me explain:
Today was one of those days that everyone has. It wasn't exactly "fuck the world." It was more of a day that turns into conflict and leaves you a little bit breathless. In my case, it meant a bit of sniffling as I took out my keys to my car with readiness to go home.
I shoved my things into the passengers seat and started her up. As soon as I did I was flooded by Q104.3's (self-proclaimed "classic rock" station) sweet melodies. I changed to power105 without registering what was on and then switched back in a powerplay that involved NOT hearing duffle-bag boy song. Truly, my subconscious was on high alert, as R.E.M's "everybody hurts" was at the crux of it's sweet gnashing. This is the way my life is. I laughed a little at the situation and then returned to my sniveling briefly. The song ended and another came on. Before I knew it I was cursing in traffic and salt stained on my dry cheekbones.
This is what happens. It's not a sign, it's just the way things are. (Insert bro statement if applicable).
The breaking point has been set high lately. I've been taking things in stride, trying to do my best, all of that inspirational shit.
It's just that when things go wrong the problems swell until the emotions are saturated. In dealing with people you have a connection with, it's often hard to be persistent with communications of unhappiness or displeasure. In my experience, whiners suck and are a helpless breed. Yes, I've got some things that I won't share with anyone, immediate family aside. I feel I shouldn't have to take on the worlds problems. One problem at a time towards the solution. Heath Ledger died dude. Amy Winehouse is hitting the crackpipe. The world is upset and I'm trying to find out the forecast for tomorrow.
But, in the event that I void myself of the truly pertinent material that does, indeed, fabricate the mysterious bridge of laced fingers or phone conversations over five minutes, I like to have a retainer and not a barrier. Bluntly: I can be blunt. Some call it a flaw, others don't even call me on it. I realize it. When emotions leak and the pipes burst and doves cry, I'm greeted [nameless] in a manner I would never think to inflict on anyone. Sometimes I have to remind or simply state that: I am not a robot. I may not show all of the inner brew ALL of the time. FINE. But then I was told,
have more spine.
That really ticks me off. Makes me tingle. Makes me cringe. Makes me turn from a "sad" tear to a tiny laugh of disbelief and disgust. Some people go to any lengths to justify their black holes and common noticeable flaws. Some even go to other "states" to realize that they can't escape the reality that claims itself in one's roots. You have to let people go and figure things out for themselves. They'll either quell that demon or wind up in the same spot and in a similar situation. Motivation. rah-rah!
It's not always about leaving or wishing to leave, or leaving your old self, OR leaving the world with the aid of socializing, booze, or crutches. We all do similar things with our ideals and notions of reality.
"This is MY club, this is MY party, MY life, the way I am."
Yeah. I can get down with that to an extent.
It's the growing up comedown. Not getting older, but shedding some skin, seeing documented metamorphisis. It's THE life. "I joined your/the party and it's been A ride". If we can't get into OUR reality, dig ourselves out of OUR joint problem or even YOUR problem and MY problem butting heads... the least we can do is recognize it and accept it. We can use it to help us in our reality and bring it into the party. [Growing up is hard to do. There are fantastic double-standards, but high living with someone else blowing wind in patchy sails leaves one in Bermuda Triangle territory. I realize I'm taking the example too far. Party boat. There I'm done].
I guess clearing out the damage isn't permanent medicine. It's our dose of reality in a generous measurement.
Chronic.les.
:
"everybody hurts"
I went to my car tonight and was surprised not by the sight of it, but by what was inside. Gee wiz, it was a whole bunch of feelings!
Let me explain:
Today was one of those days that everyone has. It wasn't exactly "fuck the world." It was more of a day that turns into conflict and leaves you a little bit breathless. In my case, it meant a bit of sniffling as I took out my keys to my car with readiness to go home.
I shoved my things into the passengers seat and started her up. As soon as I did I was flooded by Q104.3's (self-proclaimed "classic rock" station) sweet melodies. I changed to power105 without registering what was on and then switched back in a powerplay that involved NOT hearing duffle-bag boy song. Truly, my subconscious was on high alert, as R.E.M's "everybody hurts" was at the crux of it's sweet gnashing. This is the way my life is. I laughed a little at the situation and then returned to my sniveling briefly. The song ended and another came on. Before I knew it I was cursing in traffic and salt stained on my dry cheekbones.
This is what happens. It's not a sign, it's just the way things are. (Insert bro statement if applicable).
The breaking point has been set high lately. I've been taking things in stride, trying to do my best, all of that inspirational shit.
It's just that when things go wrong the problems swell until the emotions are saturated. In dealing with people you have a connection with, it's often hard to be persistent with communications of unhappiness or displeasure. In my experience, whiners suck and are a helpless breed. Yes, I've got some things that I won't share with anyone, immediate family aside. I feel I shouldn't have to take on the worlds problems. One problem at a time towards the solution. Heath Ledger died dude. Amy Winehouse is hitting the crackpipe. The world is upset and I'm trying to find out the forecast for tomorrow.
But, in the event that I void myself of the truly pertinent material that does, indeed, fabricate the mysterious bridge of laced fingers or phone conversations over five minutes, I like to have a retainer and not a barrier. Bluntly: I can be blunt. Some call it a flaw, others don't even call me on it. I realize it. When emotions leak and the pipes burst and doves cry, I'm greeted [nameless] in a manner I would never think to inflict on anyone. Sometimes I have to remind or simply state that: I am not a robot. I may not show all of the inner brew ALL of the time. FINE. But then I was told,
have more spine.
That really ticks me off. Makes me tingle. Makes me cringe. Makes me turn from a "sad" tear to a tiny laugh of disbelief and disgust. Some people go to any lengths to justify their black holes and common noticeable flaws. Some even go to other "states" to realize that they can't escape the reality that claims itself in one's roots. You have to let people go and figure things out for themselves. They'll either quell that demon or wind up in the same spot and in a similar situation. Motivation. rah-rah!
It's not always about leaving or wishing to leave, or leaving your old self, OR leaving the world with the aid of socializing, booze, or crutches. We all do similar things with our ideals and notions of reality.
"This is MY club, this is MY party, MY life, the way I am."
Yeah. I can get down with that to an extent.
It's the growing up comedown. Not getting older, but shedding some skin, seeing documented metamorphisis. It's THE life. "I joined your/the party and it's been A ride". If we can't get into OUR reality, dig ourselves out of OUR joint problem or even YOUR problem and MY problem butting heads... the least we can do is recognize it and accept it. We can use it to help us in our reality and bring it into the party. [Growing up is hard to do. There are fantastic double-standards, but high living with someone else blowing wind in patchy sails leaves one in Bermuda Triangle territory. I realize I'm taking the example too far. Party boat. There I'm done].
I guess clearing out the damage isn't permanent medicine. It's our dose of reality in a generous measurement.
Chronic.les.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
dry skin, rusted kneecap.
I am currently trying to kick prescription sleep medication because I don't have the money to pay for it. Maybe kick it isn't the correct word. I am an insomniac. I was diagnosed years ago. For some reason, like other functions I should come equipped with as a human, sleep was not one designed for me.
-It does NOT help that they are building houses across the street at the break of dawn when I am just closing my red rimmed eyes.
-It does NOT help that my room is next to the kitchen.
-It does NOT help that I am in finals week.
I may try over the counter medication eventually because two hours of sleep or less is not cutting it. I'm too fragile for misuse of caffeine so I'm in a walking haze persistently.
I must say late night TV is pretty good. I also come up with wacky inventions and sculptures in my delusional states. I have this idea for fountains and snowglobes. You would never believe it!
-It does NOT help that they are building houses across the street at the break of dawn when I am just closing my red rimmed eyes.
-It does NOT help that my room is next to the kitchen.
-It does NOT help that I am in finals week.
I may try over the counter medication eventually because two hours of sleep or less is not cutting it. I'm too fragile for misuse of caffeine so I'm in a walking haze persistently.
I must say late night TV is pretty good. I also come up with wacky inventions and sculptures in my delusional states. I have this idea for fountains and snowglobes. You would never believe it!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
instep.
and finally what was bothering me was that i would forget to turn off the light
or double back to swallow a vitamin
or forget to take tea with me on especially cold days
where my scarf served my jacket a banquet dinner.
honestly i became obessed with the past compared to the present
and the future of money and when exactly my soles would wear thin.
i wasn't in any type of predicament but the fact that the door didn't close all the way
made me laugh and the
sound of my keys in locks made me bite my lip so hard there was blood-
really blood inside my mouth
that i would drink down with sletzer.
when my keys were at my hip or stuck under someones ass on the subway
i was alright.
my anecdotes hadnt suffered in the wrong venues
but i made the choice to accept my name
as it came from people i really loved
or do love, to this day.
when i was alone in the dark waiting to sleep i was hoping some person would come
and snuggle my hands to them,
thats what i like most...
but i awoke to construction. i think whether or not i hear it
some cement is always being poured
and men are at work.
or double back to swallow a vitamin
or forget to take tea with me on especially cold days
where my scarf served my jacket a banquet dinner.
honestly i became obessed with the past compared to the present
and the future of money and when exactly my soles would wear thin.
i wasn't in any type of predicament but the fact that the door didn't close all the way
made me laugh and the
sound of my keys in locks made me bite my lip so hard there was blood-
really blood inside my mouth
that i would drink down with sletzer.
when my keys were at my hip or stuck under someones ass on the subway
i was alright.
my anecdotes hadnt suffered in the wrong venues
but i made the choice to accept my name
as it came from people i really loved
or do love, to this day.
when i was alone in the dark waiting to sleep i was hoping some person would come
and snuggle my hands to them,
thats what i like most...
but i awoke to construction. i think whether or not i hear it
some cement is always being poured
and men are at work.
Friday, November 09, 2007
blanking blanket
and here i write the
lion is the walrus;
paul!
things hurt. im prone to bruises and picking at my face. ive cried a lot recently because everything turned into a fucking meat puppets song interpreted through a hobos bad acid trip.
it hurts my face and my eyes.
im so tense my eye started twitching and my jaw is popping like the rock steady crew.
i miss gordy. being away from her is like knowing my favorite pen is being used by someone who translates neruda into german. im never getting that pen back. it was such a fine black thing.
im really terrible. i want to go back to new paltz and live in the cold and let the mice catch the mice catch the flour i didn't bag up properly. i stopped smoking again. i got sick and then repulsed by the additives in my body. i got repulsed by my own sallow skin and the weaker light in the bathroom. i started drinking seltzer because i ran out of diet coke. then i stopped eating meat. finally i started reading murakami again- because after so much thoreau [and such a distance between now and when norwegian wood was read] i needed to be immersed in a corny cob pipe of a dream. "do you understand?" "do you see?"
im repulsed my the material me. right now as i write this i'm in my alaska shirt. the one anyu brought back from some trip. serious pitstains so i wear it in fall/winter when i need a sweatshirt. sweating it out at the homestead! im in pat's pants from when he lived in new york. brian gave them to me. pat still asks about them. they have moose on them. when i went to california [where pat now lives] i wore them every night! also, i am wearing my favorite perfume.
perfume is great because it goes from being contained in a bottle [which may in fact be amazingly beautiful] to being wildly loose on neck breasts and wrists. i never feel bad about buying perfume. i stick with the same one for about two years. people whove known me long and have smelled me consistently tell me i have two scents. i'm okay with that. i dont know if i can ever wear the perfume he gave me again. also, i am uncertain we will ever make perfume [again].
my parents refused to send me to france to perfume school to be a nose. i wound up leading a very terrible life [just kidding, i would never kill myself over spilled anything... well maybe blood. it would have to be perfect and not premeditated]
tomorrow i go to a women's conference at hunter. i get in for-ee because i am part of an organization or something. its at hunter so thats my in[n]. i go there, you know. to learn how to sit quietly and at first be ignored by my peers, then avoid them.
boy, i sure can only handle a few good fellows at a time. i really like to be the sleeper. papow.
in other news:
my horoscope [so accurate i have to share, so scary its true, so true my life has changed and i am again homeless in my home]:
"Reaching understanding with others concerning feelings and emotional issues is a special focus for you at this time. Resist the lure of something that is obviously bad for you. You must be willing to break out of a downward spiral by accepting the inevitable. The line between the foolish and the wise has never been more clearly drawn."
what a fire sign! where's my wet blanket?
---------
-ian and will at arlenes grocery
-mxbx
-tickets to olympia
-cr portfolio
-bankxit
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
help. there is a bar across the street.
they have a raucous karaoke night but tonight
its JAZZ
and right now its a sax jazz rendition of smells like teen spirit.
what?
why.
gordy is trying to knock misc. things over. pill bottles and skrewdrivers.
tonight the kitchen cabinet fell OFF OF THE WALL. only one dish was broken. i wasn't here for it but wow... [too bad i brought my cat here and my landlord had to say this about fai]:
"she black and make neighborhood look bad"
and then when called a rascist:
"i have many puerto rican friends"
but not in astoria.... right?
as fai would say: "afro peruvian: TAKE A RACE CLASS"
she moved to bushwick. i have a sick history with that place including:
getting offered crack
being asked out on a date in which crack smoking would be the seduction stage
obtaining the keys to some guys apartment that i hardly knew back then and then inviting people over while he flew to texas. drinking forties and brushing roaches off me in my sleep.
kissing sabrinz on the cheek after having a stoop talk where we watched the rats mate.
oh man. Smells like teen spirit again after crazy jazzy flutter interlude.
even hitting the high notes.
woosh.
so what do i do? i dont know. keep reading walden and writing crazy short stories that get czech plusses. working and wiping yoghurt out of demz hair? no non ononono
watching HOUSE in bed with my mom while we tell tall tales about neighbors, including deceased ones.
YESSSSSSSSSSs.
they have a raucous karaoke night but tonight
its JAZZ
and right now its a sax jazz rendition of smells like teen spirit.
what?
why.
gordy is trying to knock misc. things over. pill bottles and skrewdrivers.
tonight the kitchen cabinet fell OFF OF THE WALL. only one dish was broken. i wasn't here for it but wow... [too bad i brought my cat here and my landlord had to say this about fai]:
"she black and make neighborhood look bad"
and then when called a rascist:
"i have many puerto rican friends"
but not in astoria.... right?
as fai would say: "afro peruvian: TAKE A RACE CLASS"
she moved to bushwick. i have a sick history with that place including:
getting offered crack
being asked out on a date in which crack smoking would be the seduction stage
obtaining the keys to some guys apartment that i hardly knew back then and then inviting people over while he flew to texas. drinking forties and brushing roaches off me in my sleep.
kissing sabrinz on the cheek after having a stoop talk where we watched the rats mate.
oh man. Smells like teen spirit again after crazy jazzy flutter interlude.
even hitting the high notes.
woosh.
so what do i do? i dont know. keep reading walden and writing crazy short stories that get czech plusses. working and wiping yoghurt out of demz hair? no non ononono
watching HOUSE in bed with my mom while we tell tall tales about neighbors, including deceased ones.
YESSSSSSSSSSs.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
summons infection.
yesterday i had to go to court for my favorite reasons: the ole pink sheet. aka nyc summons.
let it be known that i was extremely guilty of the "crime" i committed. yes, i was in a "park after dark." i was drinking but at that time i had downed it and was clean. i was the most level headed of the bunch, and proceeded to calmly persuade the officers from being douches. however, as anyone knows, they were typical cops and wrote me up anyway, making several mistakes on the summons. of the ticketed group i was the only one who showed. my friend harry took off on foot down the block, my friend danielle made way to denver, and that other kid- corey, he was a squatter whom i only met that night. supposedly his long locks were cut later the next day.
he told my friend he'd like to date her.
she said no way because he didn't have neck tattoos.
anyway.
my case was dismissed yesterday. they let me off [just like the trespassing and untimely lapse of judgment when i lit up a cigarette in front of some cops on new years '05 in the subway station].
i am quite the summons magnet.
i have a sinus infection. i am at my house for the first time in a week. obituary tickets. mountain goats tickets. klonopin.
let it be known that i was extremely guilty of the "crime" i committed. yes, i was in a "park after dark." i was drinking but at that time i had downed it and was clean. i was the most level headed of the bunch, and proceeded to calmly persuade the officers from being douches. however, as anyone knows, they were typical cops and wrote me up anyway, making several mistakes on the summons. of the ticketed group i was the only one who showed. my friend harry took off on foot down the block, my friend danielle made way to denver, and that other kid- corey, he was a squatter whom i only met that night. supposedly his long locks were cut later the next day.
he told my friend he'd like to date her.
she said no way because he didn't have neck tattoos.
anyway.
my case was dismissed yesterday. they let me off [just like the trespassing and untimely lapse of judgment when i lit up a cigarette in front of some cops on new years '05 in the subway station].
i am quite the summons magnet.
i have a sinus infection. i am at my house for the first time in a week. obituary tickets. mountain goats tickets. klonopin.
Friday, July 13, 2007
tamborines for the lord of silk thread.
hi,
this is the owner of this blog.
hi.
today i had food at a place that i think was trying to poison me. or make me vomit in front of people. or just playing a cruel joke where the soda and ketchup and salad and chicken was filtered through five month old yoghurt and goats milk, prepared to swim rancid in my stomach. heaving like a storm that would flood Pinocchio's heart.
saladhead.
branchworms invaded the outermost finger on my left shoulder and wont let any conscience wary flutterbirds land there to whisper the good news in my ear. the downside of all of this is that i have snails with demon antennas leaving slime trails through my life. a grueling way to go down, if i were provoked for a response.
brand spanking new molskine. big one- as big as they get. leave the new paltz one behind and get started on all of this gumbo that wrestles my mind and hands. wrings my hands like washcloths and flaps them like umbrellas indoors.
i don't know what to say so i just tell you i can not see you today. maybe tomorrow as i mend with tonight, the nautical breeze will uncrust my throat and i can be honest. i thought about walking down to the water. i forgot how heavy my feet are. wear sunscreen on my lips and pass as a person who burns everywhere but the softest part of her body, heart centered in mouth.
this is the owner of this blog.
hi.
today i had food at a place that i think was trying to poison me. or make me vomit in front of people. or just playing a cruel joke where the soda and ketchup and salad and chicken was filtered through five month old yoghurt and goats milk, prepared to swim rancid in my stomach. heaving like a storm that would flood Pinocchio's heart.
saladhead.
branchworms invaded the outermost finger on my left shoulder and wont let any conscience wary flutterbirds land there to whisper the good news in my ear. the downside of all of this is that i have snails with demon antennas leaving slime trails through my life. a grueling way to go down, if i were provoked for a response.
brand spanking new molskine. big one- as big as they get. leave the new paltz one behind and get started on all of this gumbo that wrestles my mind and hands. wrings my hands like washcloths and flaps them like umbrellas indoors.
i don't know what to say so i just tell you i can not see you today. maybe tomorrow as i mend with tonight, the nautical breeze will uncrust my throat and i can be honest. i thought about walking down to the water. i forgot how heavy my feet are. wear sunscreen on my lips and pass as a person who burns everywhere but the softest part of her body, heart centered in mouth.
Monday, May 21, 2007
mattress trouble.
gosh.
i wish i had some very nice wooden floors
to make sticky with spilled stuff and clean them up
feel accomplished.
wellie.
i have to go to work. gonna miss it for this month definitely.
love these children so much.
also:
coke zero cherry
itching/scratching
glass
old american cars
bootleg dvds
not bonhoeffer
barrettes. i really love barrettes.
it took me forever to get my scripts this month. the secretary at the office was completely out of her mind. she was rude for no reason. fire her, please. god DAMN. people who work in offices around union square. efk. this week-end was so great. i drank two liters of diet soda and watched the fast and the furious: tokyo drift. i guess some of my friends graduated from college. uhhhh. congrats. see you back in new york. if you are moving to LA, good luck. have fun in LA. i was watching skate videos [see: in bed all weekend scratching drinking soda with comfy blankets and gin and tonics. a good send off week-end] and i love recognizing locations from LA and SF. too glad to be in NY though. this summer is going to be weird. things happen when you least expect them too. someone fly me to olympia. someone fly me to greece. we can stay for free, promise.
i bought an irvine welsh book. i have plenty of other books to read but i guess i can not commit to those others. i've read everything Welsh has ever written. the good and the iffy.
i got into an iffy tiff with the head of the religion department. [not really a full blown tiff but she's a tough nut to crack. she left a message on my goddamn answering machine!]
proposed:
the rest of the year i'll be a little more reckless but
infinitely more organized.
Monday, March 12, 2007
inviserable.
we all stall,
make mistakes;
sink the basket when no one is looking.
sometimes we're french,
sometimes we can't pay 700 in rent for a shitty place that probably has bedbugs.
style the hair of little kids
who only seem to wear variations of pink.
----
uh.
i am scared to look at my bank account. because i have next to nothing in there and i may possibly have another school to tuitio-size. i also lost my bankcard. and my glass earring. oh yeah... i should go buy hella's there's no 666 in outer space since/for i love the album so much.
cannibal corpse is playing irving.
i'm seeing type o the next night. i'm too broke to buy a ticket right now
but trust me--- i will fucking be there.
nyctv is taking over the world. or maybe just my kingdom.
make mistakes;
sink the basket when no one is looking.
sometimes we're french,
sometimes we can't pay 700 in rent for a shitty place that probably has bedbugs.
style the hair of little kids
who only seem to wear variations of pink.
----
uh.
i am scared to look at my bank account. because i have next to nothing in there and i may possibly have another school to tuitio-size. i also lost my bankcard. and my glass earring. oh yeah... i should go buy hella's there's no 666 in outer space since/for i love the album so much.
cannibal corpse is playing irving.
i'm seeing type o the next night. i'm too broke to buy a ticket right now
but trust me--- i will fucking be there.
nyctv is taking over the world. or maybe just my kingdom.
Friday, February 23, 2007
regis and kelly. people with accents.
fuck being up at two am.
"why am i obsessed with suicide" "where is god when i need him"
this is why i dont watch tv. bizarre messages can appear at any time.
actually, i do watch tv. i watch regis and kelly. why? i love the sound of regis' voice.
http://flickr.com/photos/non_delay/
so many good things have happened.
i held so many babies today. i love kids.
i even napped with dem today because i was awoken at five am!
[i didnt go to sleep until 3-30am]
i had such a full day. [so many things went wrong though!]
alexi is going to dc. im jealous, obviously. i have to be here in ny- handing in papers on kierkegaard and camus. pimping my vans on the escalator. hunters and gatherers. witty. i met someone who has a great smile. oh crap.
im upside down inside out. really i need to get to beverly at some point. brian called me today and i picked up and started singing to him. he said: "is this a voicemail?" no. i just want to sing to people sometimes.
i was going to put: "i need a good fuck" it was all subconscious and sneaky like. but i really dont i really just need to put gas in my car. its running on fumes!
"why am i obsessed with suicide" "where is god when i need him"
this is why i dont watch tv. bizarre messages can appear at any time.
actually, i do watch tv. i watch regis and kelly. why? i love the sound of regis' voice.
http://flickr.com/photos/non_delay/
so many good things have happened.
i held so many babies today. i love kids.
i even napped with dem today because i was awoken at five am!
[i didnt go to sleep until 3-30am]
i had such a full day. [so many things went wrong though!]
alexi is going to dc. im jealous, obviously. i have to be here in ny- handing in papers on kierkegaard and camus. pimping my vans on the escalator. hunters and gatherers. witty. i met someone who has a great smile. oh crap.
im upside down inside out. really i need to get to beverly at some point. brian called me today and i picked up and started singing to him. he said: "is this a voicemail?" no. i just want to sing to people sometimes.
i was going to put: "i need a good fuck" it was all subconscious and sneaky like. but i really dont i really just need to put gas in my car. its running on fumes!
Friday, February 09, 2007
document this:
lol
very funny;-) thanks for the laugh
i am sorry this was sent to you by mistake
At 05:38 PM 2/7/2007, you wrote:
i filled my requirement last semester when i took 100 i believe- do i still need this? im in psych 170 now- maybe you wanna test my blood for stds? let me know if i can get three credits if i test positive for something sexy.
that was kind of rude but i felt like i was on a roll.
rebecca kish.
-----Original Message-----
From: Psychology 100 Research Participation system [mailto:________@hunter.cuny.edu]
Sent: Tue 2/6/2007 1:34 PM
To: Rebecca K---
Subject: Psychology 100 Research Participation system Login Information
Your login information for Psychology 100 Research Participation system is listed below.
User ID: ______
Password: ________
-------------
love hunter. love. it. its a lovely place. i love when im on the escalator and the fire alarm goes off and they become stairs and no one even says anything. they just start walking up. except i just got off the subway so i came in at the basement and im like: "damn yo" but i dont say anything. no one else does either.
i've been writing a shit ton. bad news: i wrote a horrid paper for religion. i said something about a belly button. "coz, you know; its like---finite"
i think i lost power steering fluid in my car. i was on middletown road the other night [you know just chillin in the bronx; like always] driving home and wouldnt you fucking know i pull under the el train, except my wheel wouldnt turn and i already accelerated. this isnt an "i think" so much as "i know."
how, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS AREKAYE?
well.
a. i know what power steering fluid smells like
b. i think it might have water in it [think-frozen]
c. i just popped my hood and took care of this issue a couple of weeks ago and noticed some non consistent traits and trends concerning fluids.
note: psych170= psych of human sexuality.
very funny;-) thanks for the laugh
i am sorry this was sent to you by mistake
At 05:38 PM 2/7/2007, you wrote:
i filled my requirement last semester when i took 100 i believe- do i still need this? im in psych 170 now- maybe you wanna test my blood for stds? let me know if i can get three credits if i test positive for something sexy.
that was kind of rude but i felt like i was on a roll.
rebecca kish.
-----Original Message-----
From: Psychology 100 Research Participation system [mailto:________@hunter.cuny.edu]
Sent: Tue 2/6/2007 1:34 PM
To: Rebecca K---
Subject: Psychology 100 Research Participation system Login Information
Your login information for Psychology 100 Research Participation system is listed below.
User ID: ______
Password: ________
-------------
love hunter. love. it. its a lovely place. i love when im on the escalator and the fire alarm goes off and they become stairs and no one even says anything. they just start walking up. except i just got off the subway so i came in at the basement and im like: "damn yo" but i dont say anything. no one else does either.
i've been writing a shit ton. bad news: i wrote a horrid paper for religion. i said something about a belly button. "coz, you know; its like---finite"
i think i lost power steering fluid in my car. i was on middletown road the other night [you know just chillin in the bronx; like always] driving home and wouldnt you fucking know i pull under the el train, except my wheel wouldnt turn and i already accelerated. this isnt an "i think" so much as "i know."
how, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS AREKAYE?
well.
a. i know what power steering fluid smells like
b. i think it might have water in it [think-frozen]
c. i just popped my hood and took care of this issue a couple of weeks ago and noticed some non consistent traits and trends concerning fluids.
note: psych170= psych of human sexuality.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Realizing Wits do come from Twits.
I've had a very ritzy and very flowerblossom lifestyle as of recent.
What with the apartment and house hopping and sleeping in odd places, to the excess consumption of all things human: [BRAINS!]
I definitely killed a few brain cells in the process but at least I have a short story set-up now and dontchaknow,
sacrafice [fill in the addendum for those of you with jaws and a tail].
Edward Gorey once said: "I have to write before I draw"
The man is a great source of inspiration for me. I only wish I knew more about him, so I've been reading up and out/over. I ordered some things by him.
Oh, gee whiz. I have a problem. Both of my computers stopped working, mostly. One is just dead- Thats with all my wiritng/writing on it. I looked [hard] at how much those ibook things cost. Holy crap! [A lot of money]. How ridiculous. I need to get one that fell off the back of a truck. Email me if you happened to be standing around and caught it when it fell.
I've bought and mailed some darlin' postcards. All of my friends are now old and wrinkled. you can check my flickr if you don't believe me. Starting another semester at school. It seems more like hustlin' for grades sometimes than learning with a mint leaf as a bookmark.
You get the drawl.
There was quite a bad accident in the spine of newrochelle the other day. Mummorz friend [done] saw the gored body. Today it has come to light that the man was a family friend. [Of someones family, I refuse to believe that we could call this non-cohesive unit "family"- it seems to come with a chuckle. As if we were all pieces of paper and the best glue someone could come up with was tacky glue and all of the sequins have since dissapeared but you can see their mark clearly. That was a pretty long aside, guess the dead body is on my mind completely. Considering its been cremated, that makes sense].
TA.
What with the apartment and house hopping and sleeping in odd places, to the excess consumption of all things human: [BRAINS!]
I definitely killed a few brain cells in the process but at least I have a short story set-up now and dontchaknow,
sacrafice [fill in the addendum for those of you with jaws and a tail].
Edward Gorey once said: "I have to write before I draw"
The man is a great source of inspiration for me. I only wish I knew more about him, so I've been reading up and out/over. I ordered some things by him.
Oh, gee whiz. I have a problem. Both of my computers stopped working, mostly. One is just dead- Thats with all my wiritng/writing on it. I looked [hard] at how much those ibook things cost. Holy crap! [A lot of money]. How ridiculous. I need to get one that fell off the back of a truck. Email me if you happened to be standing around and caught it when it fell.
I've bought and mailed some darlin' postcards. All of my friends are now old and wrinkled. you can check my flickr if you don't believe me. Starting another semester at school. It seems more like hustlin' for grades sometimes than learning with a mint leaf as a bookmark.
You get the drawl.
There was quite a bad accident in the spine of newrochelle the other day. Mummorz friend [done] saw the gored body. Today it has come to light that the man was a family friend. [Of someones family, I refuse to believe that we could call this non-cohesive unit "family"- it seems to come with a chuckle. As if we were all pieces of paper and the best glue someone could come up with was tacky glue and all of the sequins have since dissapeared but you can see their mark clearly. That was a pretty long aside, guess the dead body is on my mind completely. Considering its been cremated, that makes sense].
TA.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Free Punch.
I feel quite accomplished. I've read two books already this month. I'm sure I wont finish a third, but I sure as hell am going to try.
I get pretty side-tracked. Not that theres anything so monumentally enthralling outside, beckoning me ever so softly, but still.
I had to go to Borders today and Bret wasn't working. Some chump rung me up. He wasn't a bad kid, it was just that he didn't give me an obscene discount. [And, I bought an obscene amount of books- on a gift card...].
Later I wound up at an exhibit at the high school where I saw my old photo teacher. She wasn't surprised that I had turned my focus to English. She also wasn't surprised that Alex no longer lived in Canada or spent a duration in Cambodia or India. Does anything surprise anyone anymore?
I still can't find last years desk diary. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I have postcard stamps in the pocket in the back and I need them. [I'm thinking about a piece for my arm by the way. CHRIST the train horn is blaring. why for choochoo, whyfor?]
I can't decide if I'm going to cut all my hair off or not. Ya'll have seen me with this long hair. It is long son. L-O-N-G. I have to cut someones hair this weekend. Then they are going to Texas! I would like to go to Austin. Unfortunately, I'm actually looking for flights from LA or Portland.
If the band Harvey Milk and I were in a torrent love affair, I would describe as such: "Yeah, we're not really happy in this long distance relationship, I just need to feel his touch; yaknow."
I get pretty side-tracked. Not that theres anything so monumentally enthralling outside, beckoning me ever so softly, but still.
I had to go to Borders today and Bret wasn't working. Some chump rung me up. He wasn't a bad kid, it was just that he didn't give me an obscene discount. [And, I bought an obscene amount of books- on a gift card...].
Later I wound up at an exhibit at the high school where I saw my old photo teacher. She wasn't surprised that I had turned my focus to English. She also wasn't surprised that Alex no longer lived in Canada or spent a duration in Cambodia or India. Does anything surprise anyone anymore?
I still can't find last years desk diary. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I have postcard stamps in the pocket in the back and I need them. [I'm thinking about a piece for my arm by the way. CHRIST the train horn is blaring. why for choochoo, whyfor?]
I can't decide if I'm going to cut all my hair off or not. Ya'll have seen me with this long hair. It is long son. L-O-N-G. I have to cut someones hair this weekend. Then they are going to Texas! I would like to go to Austin. Unfortunately, I'm actually looking for flights from LA or Portland.
If the band Harvey Milk and I were in a torrent love affair, I would describe as such: "Yeah, we're not really happy in this long distance relationship, I just need to feel his touch; yaknow."
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
They're Bloodletting the Foundation
A stronger skin over the wrong side of my heart.
Swinging like a pendulum, the proof is in the metal that clinks under my shirt. Now and
forever, I'll have an addendum that'll deflect the descending ozone [that smokes on the
sidewalks].
A Born Again Warrior of the well worn soles and tied tongued losses.
As despicable as I've found humanity to exhibit- a constant held true before my first
compound sentences- I'm coming around the bend without breaking. [or disolver, revolving,
inverting, converting, this convection] More forgiving? Possibly. More understanding?
Definitely. How about more warped into a coated reality of reading skies while in
conversation? Indeed.
The other night, rain soaked, foreign clothing.
A fogged morning: a new yearded chapped quarter lip, wonky walked Volver
a girl with golden hair
a princess eating soup how we eat
across: a boy who is an underdog
backlog: listing in our wet clothes,
buffer zone blanket fold:
Here today
I kept
the car in gear
chewing on a metrocard
circling the block
because i had to see the way the light was
again
so i wouldnt forget
january second
two thousand seven
--------------------
Extending the kindness of fingertips
to shoulderwings
and blades of running
teeth across the edge of
beckoned glass.
There with a blackened dollar bill
the street signs blur.
Fanning blocks of loose change,
wandering above poverty lines.
Smiles farther now, because there is
work i need to get under the first layer of the skin
below the artery of
my right wrist or
whatever gets palest when my lips go blue
for the first time
by name.
-----------
I never actually made a checklist. I never really needed to.
Swinging like a pendulum, the proof is in the metal that clinks under my shirt. Now and
forever, I'll have an addendum that'll deflect the descending ozone [that smokes on the
sidewalks].
A Born Again Warrior of the well worn soles and tied tongued losses.
As despicable as I've found humanity to exhibit- a constant held true before my first
compound sentences- I'm coming around the bend without breaking. [or disolver, revolving,
inverting, converting, this convection] More forgiving? Possibly. More understanding?
Definitely. How about more warped into a coated reality of reading skies while in
conversation? Indeed.
The other night, rain soaked, foreign clothing.
A fogged morning: a new yearded chapped quarter lip, wonky walked Volver
a girl with golden hair
a princess eating soup how we eat
across: a boy who is an underdog
backlog: listing in our wet clothes,
buffer zone blanket fold:
Here today
I kept
the car in gear
chewing on a metrocard
circling the block
because i had to see the way the light was
again
so i wouldnt forget
january second
two thousand seven
--------------------
Extending the kindness of fingertips
to shoulderwings
and blades of running
teeth across the edge of
beckoned glass.
There with a blackened dollar bill
the street signs blur.
Fanning blocks of loose change,
wandering above poverty lines.
Smiles farther now, because there is
work i need to get under the first layer of the skin
below the artery of
my right wrist or
whatever gets palest when my lips go blue
for the first time
by name.
-----------
I never actually made a checklist. I never really needed to.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
It's touching: Isn't it/ Arn't they?
Not even hockey could calm me down tonight. I'm raging until Thursday. That being the day I collapse in a wealth of success with a bunch of seraphim holding my head. Finals, driving in NYC with a bunch of tourists, walking around a bunch of gawkers...Subway delays, shopping at Costco- yikes. The other day I worked about seven hours and I wound up writing a good portion of my payp there.
I can't get my mane under control.
The other day I sprawled out on a fouton in a cold basement and let a 4 year old play with my earrings for about five minutes.
Things are quite up in the air right now. The only thing thats certain is the tuition bill I just payed and that I wear pretty much the same thing every day. I've been wearing these black van slip ons for a while now and it didnt matter much but now that its not 50 degrees anymore my toes numb with the understanding that I will eventually shove them under blankets.
To top it all off I feel guilty about having material possessions, feel overwhelmed by my choice of solitude, and grateful to my cousin, who, despite being about twenty some odd years older than me, has been pretty badabing about odd needs concerning optics.
I feel really positive about painting lately. I feel good about the History Channel and theburg.tv which I haven't admitted to watching to anyone except one friend of mine who now watches it as well. "WT-Fuck, yaknow?"
Recent inquiries:
"Can you recommend an exhibit thats open right now"
"Can you come and get drunk with me"
"Can you meet me downtown"
"Can you send me those pictures"
Recent Responses:
"Let me check New York magazine- guilty pause- OK I have it"
"I can't"
[No response, let the Voicemail get it]
[No response, sent the pictures]
See Y'all next year. I don't have any lists except to-do's. Email me if you want a To-Do list.
*Note- To do list will be hard to check off if you are not here.
I can't get my mane under control.
The other day I sprawled out on a fouton in a cold basement and let a 4 year old play with my earrings for about five minutes.
Things are quite up in the air right now. The only thing thats certain is the tuition bill I just payed and that I wear pretty much the same thing every day. I've been wearing these black van slip ons for a while now and it didnt matter much but now that its not 50 degrees anymore my toes numb with the understanding that I will eventually shove them under blankets.
To top it all off I feel guilty about having material possessions, feel overwhelmed by my choice of solitude, and grateful to my cousin, who, despite being about twenty some odd years older than me, has been pretty badabing about odd needs concerning optics.
I feel really positive about painting lately. I feel good about the History Channel and theburg.tv which I haven't admitted to watching to anyone except one friend of mine who now watches it as well. "WT-Fuck, yaknow?"
Recent inquiries:
"Can you recommend an exhibit thats open right now"
"Can you come and get drunk with me"
"Can you meet me downtown"
"Can you send me those pictures"
Recent Responses:
"Let me check New York magazine- guilty pause- OK I have it"
"I can't"
[No response, let the Voicemail get it]
[No response, sent the pictures]
See Y'all next year. I don't have any lists except to-do's. Email me if you want a To-Do list.
*Note- To do list will be hard to check off if you are not here.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
november round-up.
old friends meet up. seldom occassions of r.k. smiling. one of these people i kicked in the face after he slapped me.
i never thought i had a.d.d.
i was tested once but used devices such as telephone keypads and patterns in surrounding paintings to aid in short term memory. this was such a habit, that it screwed me. i'll never know what the results of that test would be.
that was the year i fell in love for the first time
[oh -and so hard. i was actually crippled in pain. when i experienced the repeated absence rot- i tried to recall that first hurt and equate the two. i just got sicker. i was in love so bad my body almost fell apart. now i keep it together by using my good old back up plans. poor eye contact and all those other "cosmo donts" they work! ---if your aim is the "don't"]
that year i was scattered. i kissed people i hated and had hero-worship complexes. its horrible to admit- but every single person i ever thought was worth it- wanted as a friend or to have an intimate moment with- i got- i mean- i "WON"
you can imagine how this is catching up with me now.
i am inspired by the wrong things.
here is a quick list of items that would surely get me bound to the whipping post by literary -laureates-evils-nobels- and colleagues:
-shoe designs.
-watching the tactics employed by people who have nothing to hold on to on the subway.
-the average time the mail comes on a saturday.
-writing over reviews in decibel magazine. general comments and snide remarks that no one will see. in red ink. for example- the converge "no heroes" album. "yeah right" or for some bands: "not actually where their scene was initially based"
-writing over poems in poetry books and literary journals
-the way old women dress [perhaps to blame for my old job in the fashion industry]
-irrational hatred of: neckface, boys with asymmetrical haircuts and people who are flakier than i.
-how long it takes me to get my coffee, the amount of sugar in it, HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO DRINK IT. [where i will procure it: which burrough- westchester, the bronx, manhattan, did i remember my club card]
-soup. sweet potato soup.
-how i would move to albQ, NM if i could. or the desert.
-sometimes i want to hug strangers on the subway: NOTE: most dangerous inspiration. especially when people are pubically crying.
-bed [un]make-ups.
-many many more for future installments.
here are a few things people arnt prepared for upon meeting me:
i will openly insult you to see if you can take it. a quick ribbing. nothing terrible. if im tipsed, it will be a little more insulting. i dont lose my judgement innebriated. men have made this mistake. i've gotten into confrontations. most of the time i'll walk away but there might be an offshoot that i'll be ready to throwdown. unispired drinking. its not romantic. no one cares if you get high or drink. people who usually care are usually not very inspired themselves and are on that -yes- journey.
i'll most likely chose music over friendship unless the friendship has nothing to do with music. i'll compromise in relationships. i am a more positive person than those who claim to be but lead miserable unfulfilling lives.
ALRIGHT.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
pathos
co-morbid.
sat there just pulling on my fingers to loosen
the circulation
plotting my mouth into a fixed brick-
a psych textbook from the 60s gritted in my mitts.
actual painful swallowing. why are they ignoring everything?
notation in pencil in the margins. i love her handwriting. LOOK AT THAT QUASI R.
why are there more statistics on rats then in chem books?
i was born in the year of the rat;
i've returned, [to] monkeys.
swish swish.
today my back hurt. my pants stretch weird,
but im trying not to care. i dont want to wash them. i sleep in them sometimes when i fling myself into the covers with abandon that doesnt put me to sleep
but keeps me there;
not movable.
there are weak threads. i know because i sew.
not much just one thing to another occassionally.
i lost my thimble. even the plastic one. now i use my teeth or
my kneecap.
i love finding things and feeding cute
animals who go back to sleep. [isn't that so sweet and lovable, arn't i humane?]
the other night this guy performed at rock and music hall and i went with the expectation to hate it [i usually need forty amps or one sunn nowadays. dont worry im almost over it] but really the lyrics were terribly insightful and honest. [what did i come up with? i was cold next to the octopus get money getmoneymoney]. i thought to myself...that guy is good looking AND smart? he must be a total fuck. he seems too stable. i wonder what his apartment looks like. wait...i could care-less.
the amount of female bashing im privy to sometimes is quite alarming. i dont judge females on their sexual ways. the things that come with it are more important. sex is just the act. its like that with everyone. ive become pretty numb lately but ive had the fits. i found someone good looking and smart once.
he didnt speak english too good. i couldnt keep up my end of the bargain.
i was reading to MY anyucam some things written about -ache and we were hysterical. my monthly adaptations are pretty anecdotal but i realized that she was tearing and my mouth had gone metal tasting. ohhh no ones gonna know but you
i said
no ones ever gonna know what happened
to me but you.
i'll never be able to convey.
eh no more excuses-
ill get back into the love-swing. [half-joke]
sat there just pulling on my fingers to loosen
the circulation
plotting my mouth into a fixed brick-
a psych textbook from the 60s gritted in my mitts.
actual painful swallowing. why are they ignoring everything?
notation in pencil in the margins. i love her handwriting. LOOK AT THAT QUASI R.
why are there more statistics on rats then in chem books?
i was born in the year of the rat;
i've returned, [to] monkeys.
swish swish.
today my back hurt. my pants stretch weird,
but im trying not to care. i dont want to wash them. i sleep in them sometimes when i fling myself into the covers with abandon that doesnt put me to sleep
but keeps me there;
not movable.
there are weak threads. i know because i sew.
not much just one thing to another occassionally.
i lost my thimble. even the plastic one. now i use my teeth or
my kneecap.
i love finding things and feeding cute
animals who go back to sleep. [isn't that so sweet and lovable, arn't i humane?]
the other night this guy performed at rock and music hall and i went with the expectation to hate it [i usually need forty amps or one sunn nowadays. dont worry im almost over it] but really the lyrics were terribly insightful and honest. [what did i come up with? i was cold next to the octopus get money getmoneymoney]. i thought to myself...that guy is good looking AND smart? he must be a total fuck. he seems too stable. i wonder what his apartment looks like. wait...i could care-less.
the amount of female bashing im privy to sometimes is quite alarming. i dont judge females on their sexual ways. the things that come with it are more important. sex is just the act. its like that with everyone. ive become pretty numb lately but ive had the fits. i found someone good looking and smart once.
he didnt speak english too good. i couldnt keep up my end of the bargain.
i was reading to MY anyucam some things written about -ache and we were hysterical. my monthly adaptations are pretty anecdotal but i realized that she was tearing and my mouth had gone metal tasting. ohhh no ones gonna know but you
i said
no ones ever gonna know what happened
to me but you.
i'll never be able to convey.
eh no more excuses-
ill get back into the love-swing. [half-joke]
Sunday, November 12, 2006
My Nooner
pop my jaw back into place for the tenth time this hour
and things seem ok.
i mean im extremely satisfied with the nothing that expands in this mutating landcape. i
never have any idea where i am when i get all worked up and more often then not,
:i shall make this secret public...
i want to scream "I AM BLIND" because i have no idea what im looking at.
there are certain truths we hold to be evident:
I was so swift tonight with the trains. The nyc subway system and I have had a long relationship spannnning time that always winds up with me looking at my watch yet reluctant to leave my freaks whom I've come to feel a comaraderie with as we speed through hellish sooty tunnels.
I had to meet Ian for a movie. [BORAT]
Was it a date if I didn't pay him for the ticket because I forgot? We laugh at naked men..... maybe thats not a date but our everlasting bond in pervisity of nude wrestling and jangles.
Which reminds me[.]... Last night I went to pete's candy store and dan walked in dressed like
long john silver. yellow slicker, black beard. he had a pipe too.
Earlier, Fai saw her first nyc rats [is that possible, how has she never seen rats? its the
stereotype everyone loves [along with junkies lying over the hoods of cars or something: see jason number 9.. the one with the nyc opening]?
We saw a couple break up in a pizza place. It was tragic. bro, go home and do that. Maybe their
house burnt down and thats why they were crying and holding eachother. Or maybe they were
breaking up after their apt burnt down.
WELL after a whole lotta walking around [i was bouncing at one point, the polar states of my
personality were in high gear...] we all got home somehow. [read:my car] 3 brrws.
Today- Dan told me that after 3am last night he got the shit kicked out of him and woke up in
the White Plains hospital. What to say? Sorry dan. I woulda taken out my earrings and thrown
down if it were a just cause. at least they didnt stab you. right? uha...uhhh..ha. next time
dont leave your fake beard at the bar so you can go to p-chase incognito. Quote: "at one time i ripped out the iv and i was like fuck this....bleeding everywhere and i pretended to go to the bathroom when a nurse stopped me and i got on a bus right outside."
This blogging sure is fun. Usually all this stuff just wads up to decompose.
and things seem ok.
i mean im extremely satisfied with the nothing that expands in this mutating landcape. i
never have any idea where i am when i get all worked up and more often then not,
:i shall make this secret public...
i want to scream "I AM BLIND" because i have no idea what im looking at.
there are certain truths we hold to be evident:
- monkey's can learn to smoke cigarettes and have attachment issues.
- usually your guts are right until the day they fester and or get pumped/pummeled.
- you should not take sleeping medication with alcohol, even recreational dismal drinks thatyou find corny and ironic but in the end you resign to things like: "im drinking a sparks lite in my room watching married with children from a crazy straw and one part of that straw is a real straw and the other part is a whistle[!]"
I was so swift tonight with the trains. The nyc subway system and I have had a long relationship spannnning time that always winds up with me looking at my watch yet reluctant to leave my freaks whom I've come to feel a comaraderie with as we speed through hellish sooty tunnels.
I had to meet Ian for a movie. [BORAT]
Was it a date if I didn't pay him for the ticket because I forgot? We laugh at naked men..... maybe thats not a date but our everlasting bond in pervisity of nude wrestling and jangles.
Which reminds me[.]... Last night I went to pete's candy store and dan walked in dressed like
long john silver. yellow slicker, black beard. he had a pipe too.
Earlier, Fai saw her first nyc rats [is that possible, how has she never seen rats? its the
stereotype everyone loves [along with junkies lying over the hoods of cars or something: see jason number 9.. the one with the nyc opening]?
We saw a couple break up in a pizza place. It was tragic. bro, go home and do that. Maybe their
house burnt down and thats why they were crying and holding eachother. Or maybe they were
breaking up after their apt burnt down.
WELL after a whole lotta walking around [i was bouncing at one point, the polar states of my
personality were in high gear...] we all got home somehow. [read:my car] 3 brrws.
Today- Dan told me that after 3am last night he got the shit kicked out of him and woke up in
the White Plains hospital. What to say? Sorry dan. I woulda taken out my earrings and thrown
down if it were a just cause. at least they didnt stab you. right? uha...uhhh..ha. next time
dont leave your fake beard at the bar so you can go to p-chase incognito. Quote: "at one time i ripped out the iv and i was like fuck this....bleeding everywhere and i pretended to go to the bathroom when a nurse stopped me and i got on a bus right outside."
This blogging sure is fun. Usually all this stuff just wads up to decompose.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
