Salads [or

give the baby his bottle].

Few things bring me closer to the state of readiness than the ability to assess the waking light as unattainable. Suddenly I sit on the edge of an eclipse, outrunning a boulder, constructing my hang glider in hopes of going-fast barefoot with the vastness of valleys-cut muscles and upper boy/body strength.

I quit my job and have never been so [pre –s]sure of something. There are lists of all sorts concerning the category: “spending my time deconstructing this sprouting life was unsatisfactory”. Factory. One can only handle the difference of huge personality subtractions for so long. Many situations occurred in which I was the forerunner of a poorly designed immoral game. There was no volume for me to suspend thoughts in. there was no outlet for everything that got muted in English.

I could climb outside myself and pound on the walls and the sneering echo of defeat would lick all the corners of the triumphant all-mighty dollar. The very perforation stubbing his toes inside the temperatures wrenched. I wasn’t comfortable on my high rusting rung of retired respect. Kick myself out by the shirt collar, stray dark red hairs stuck to my neck and blood sopped cheeks. I was unified to the controlled tension in my lips. You can’t comprehend the march of startled controlled lemons on personal assignment.

- I quit my job.

My mother and I went to Viva Farm and picked out fruits [and for the first time, together, a pineapple]. Imported Korean candy, milked jell-o’z, pungent thick herbs lined the air conditioned section. I ate a nectarine and didn’t pay for it. I started to feel weird about eating the whole fruit to the pit and throwing it behind the car and returning to the line for checkout.

I have had the smell of fruits coming from my vagina ever since I got my period. It is not entirely unpleasant just something I’ve never experienced. I wont entertain the though of fruit of my womb. That’s unnecessary.

I’m leaving for Vermont tomorrow with Fai. Iv’e not been there in a year. I am supposed to come up with something brilliant due to the change of location. That’s a lot of pressure. I can tell you that I was in Poughkeepsie yesterday and fell in love with the moldings on each rusting stone efface. The streets were very empty. I think that allowed me to feel a perfect absence akin to a photograph. Gave my eyes screwable filters. I’m staying away from Mount Vernon until I am forced to go back. The things I was forced to do under the pretense of employment… walking those streets in misery and heat. Just so, just so.

The other day I was warned about chlorine burns and I noticed my fingers were gone. Today I was warned about distracting people who are holding knives. Yesterday I was cautioned to maintain my structural innocence but I’ve decided that was bad advice.

snake handlers for god

recapping the memories of swigging from the lime bottles:

• dirty hair. it's got: long, thick, uncut, hard to manage now. i wash with vigor, its all getting better.
• my pee bottle is still in the npz. i hope no one drank from it even though i washed it. a brief look: here.
• i spent the whole day waking up. i dont know whats wrong. my blood never came back. fai is coming back. i am going to hug her and then i am going to get on a plane and fly to greece. well i would but you know... the job: proof.
  
• i like stupid bunnies and im [not] ashamed to admit that the sight of bunnies in the "wild" [note----more wildlife in nyc than one would think] sends me into some kind of instinctual frenzy. last night i saw a bear and a moose on my lawn and could barely plug in the electricity. plenty of dragonflies showing there lisa frank colors--- and wasps will forever be spitting their junk juice in the crap hives in between my windows--- i actually think its very pretty. yellow jackets, wasps, hornets, beeeeez, they are nice from a distance.
• bumble bees i could just eat.
• my neighbors will have to get used to the sight of my cannibal corpse tshirt interrupting their margaritaville club parties and let me swim in peace.
• friday was hectic, i almost fainted. i went in early because we're getting ready to show. man im good. its going to be sad when i say peace out- but then again ive said that a million times and i keep crawling back to the slaughterhouse.
• the thing i like best about my bathroom upstate is the relatively cool bathroom. i can sit on the toilet and rest my head on the cool sink. its calming. i dont even have to be using the toilet... and there is a second door right next to the bathroom that swings out---albeit into the heart of the wasp nest, but still.
  

a way to gague something.