working title.

or "return to the big screen", "post-partum woes", "beached icicles: beast tricycles"
:
"everybody hurts"

I went to my car tonight and was surprised not by the sight of it, but by what was inside. Gee wiz, it was a whole bunch of feelings!
Let me explain:

Today was one of those days that everyone has. It wasn't exactly "fuck the world." It was more of a day that turns into conflict and leaves you a little bit breathless. In my case, it meant a bit of sniffling as I took out my keys to my car with readiness to go home.
I shoved my things into the passengers seat and started her up. As soon as I did I was flooded by Q104.3's (self-proclaimed "classic rock" station) sweet melodies. I changed to power105 without registering what was on and then switched back in a powerplay that involved NOT hearing duffle-bag boy song. Truly, my subconscious was on high alert, as R.E.M's "everybody hurts" was at the crux of it's sweet gnashing. This is the way my life is. I laughed a little at the situation and then returned to my sniveling briefly. The song ended and another came on. Before I knew it I was cursing in traffic and salt stained on my dry cheekbones.
This is what happens. It's not a sign, it's just the way things are. (Insert bro statement if applicable).

The breaking point has been set high lately. I've been taking things in stride, trying to do my best, all of that inspirational shit.
It's just that when things go wrong the problems swell until the emotions are saturated. In dealing with people you have a connection with, it's often hard to be persistent with communications of unhappiness or displeasure. In my experience, whiners suck and are a helpless breed. Yes, I've got some things that I won't share with anyone, immediate family aside. I feel I shouldn't have to take on the worlds problems. One problem at a time towards the solution. Heath Ledger died dude. Amy Winehouse is hitting the crackpipe. The world is upset and I'm trying to find out the forecast for tomorrow.

But, in the event that I void myself of the truly pertinent material that does, indeed, fabricate the mysterious bridge of laced fingers or phone conversations over five minutes, I like to have a retainer and not a barrier. Bluntly: I can be blunt. Some call it a flaw, others don't even call me on it. I realize it. When emotions leak and the pipes burst and doves cry, I'm greeted [nameless] in a manner I would never think to inflict on anyone. Sometimes I have to remind or simply state that: I am not a robot. I may not show all of the inner brew ALL of the time. FINE. But then I was told,
have more spine.
That really ticks me off. Makes me tingle. Makes me cringe. Makes me turn from a "sad" tear to a tiny laugh of disbelief and disgust. Some people go to any lengths to justify their black holes and common noticeable flaws. Some even go to other "states" to realize that they can't escape the reality that claims itself in one's roots. You have to let people go and figure things out for themselves. They'll either quell that demon or wind up in the same spot and in a similar situation. Motivation. rah-rah!
It's not always about leaving or wishing to leave, or leaving your old self, OR leaving the world with the aid of socializing, booze, or crutches. We all do similar things with our ideals and notions of reality.
"This is MY club, this is MY party, MY life, the way I am."
Yeah. I can get down with that to an extent.
It's the growing up comedown. Not getting older, but shedding some skin, seeing documented metamorphisis. It's THE life. "I joined your/the party and it's been A ride". If we can't get into OUR reality, dig ourselves out of OUR joint problem or even YOUR problem and MY problem butting heads... the least we can do is recognize it and accept it. We can use it to help us in our reality and bring it into the party. [Growing up is hard to do. There are fantastic double-standards, but high living with someone else blowing wind in patchy sails leaves one in Bermuda Triangle territory. I realize I'm taking the example too far. Party boat. There I'm done].

I guess clearing out the damage isn't permanent medicine. It's our dose of reality in a generous measurement.
Chronic.les.

mattress trouble.

gosh.
i wish i had some very nice wooden floors
to make sticky with spilled stuff and clean them up
feel accomplished.

wellie.
i have to go to work. gonna miss it for this month definitely.
love these children so much.

also:
coke zero cherry
itching/scratching
glass
old american cars
bootleg dvds
not bonhoeffer
barrettes. i really love barrettes.

it took me forever to get my scripts this month. the secretary at the office was completely out of her mind. she was rude for no reason. fire her, please. god DAMN. people who work in offices around union square. efk. this week-end was so great. i drank two liters of diet soda and watched the fast and the furious: tokyo drift. i guess some of my friends graduated from college. uhhhh. congrats. see you back in new york. if you are moving to LA, good luck. have fun in LA. i was watching skate videos [see: in bed all weekend scratching drinking soda with comfy blankets and gin and tonics. a good send off week-end] and i love recognizing locations from LA and SF. too glad to be in NY though. this summer is going to be weird. things happen when you least expect them too. someone fly me to olympia. someone fly me to greece. we can stay for free, promise.

i bought an irvine welsh book. i have plenty of other books to read but i guess i can not commit to those others. i've read everything Welsh has ever written. the good and the iffy.

i got into an iffy tiff with the head of the religion department. [not really a full blown tiff but she's a tough nut to crack. she left a message on my goddamn answering machine!]

proposed:
the rest of the year i'll be a little more reckless but

infinitely more organized.

document this:

lol

very funny;-) thanks for the laugh
i am sorry this was sent to you by mistake

At 05:38 PM 2/7/2007, you wrote:

i filled my requirement last semester when i took 100 i believe- do i still need this? im in psych 170 now- maybe you wanna test my blood for stds? let me know if i can get three credits if i test positive for something sexy.
that was kind of rude but i felt like i was on a roll.

rebecca kish.


-----Original Message-----
From: Psychology 100 Research Participation system [mailto:________@hunter.cuny.edu]
Sent: Tue 2/6/2007 1:34 PM
To: Rebecca K---
Subject: Psychology 100 Research Participation system Login Information

Your login information for Psychology 100 Research Participation system is listed below.

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-------------
love hunter. love. it. its a lovely place. i love when im on the escalator and the fire alarm goes off and they become stairs and no one even says anything. they just start walking up. except i just got off the subway so i came in at the basement and im like: "damn yo" but i dont say anything. no one else does either.
i've been writing a shit ton. bad news: i wrote a horrid paper for religion. i said something about a belly button. "coz, you know; its like---finite"

i think i lost power steering fluid in my car. i was on middletown road the other night [you know just chillin in the bronx; like always] driving home and wouldnt you fucking know i pull under the el train, except my wheel wouldnt turn and i already accelerated. this isnt an "i think" so much as "i know."
how, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS AREKAYE?
well.
a. i know what power steering fluid smells like
b. i think it might have water in it [think-frozen]
c. i just popped my hood and took care of this issue a couple of weeks ago and noticed some non consistent traits and trends concerning fluids.

note: psych170= psych of human sexuality.