the way to cum part one.

what i try to do is hold out for as long as possible- managing to torture myself with only the possibility of reward. i then, if able, indulge and feel the fullness of a lowing cow. it feels like milk. it feels like smoke. it feels like drop ceilings and grass growing inside.

if i can not do this then i drive around with music on really loud. this is a very original approach to letting off steam. i pick one song and turn it up and put it on repeat. if it's nightgoat- then i'm fucked… if it's hip hop then i'm smug but then let down. i turn to full album chant type shit and imagine myself with a scarf in my hair and a cigarette dangling from a juicy aunt-like mouth. come here and give me a kiss. i kiss the back of my hand and strip to just a t-shirt. if it is cold- i put the feet heat on.

if i can not do this, and i am still trying to siphon my brain through my nose, i cough with some texture. i back up a little bit against anything that is solid. door frames work. i like cold walls. i like the insides of showers or the brick of buildings at night in the summer. this leaning will help build my posture to an unfurled brown paper bag- damaged, but good for most anything it's purpose dictates.

if i am alone i like to drink a lot of diet coke and grind my teeth while the sun goes down. if i am with someone i will probably do the same thing. i like to be alone and feel like everything has a voice and colors of faded cars are telling me stories about when they were glossy. i like to think i am the only one who knows about the air at a particular spot at a particular time of night. i hold out for reward. i try. i am ultimately a tall tale.