It's touching: Isn't it/ Arn't they?

Not even hockey could calm me down tonight. I'm raging until Thursday. That being the day I collapse in a wealth of success with a bunch of seraphim holding my head. Finals, driving in NYC with a bunch of tourists, walking around a bunch of gawkers...Subway delays, shopping at Costco- yikes. The other day I worked about seven hours and I wound up writing a good portion of my payp there.
I can't get my mane under control.
The other day I sprawled out on a fouton in a cold basement and let a 4 year old play with my earrings for about five minutes.

Things are quite up in the air right now. The only thing thats certain is the tuition bill I just payed and that I wear pretty much the same thing every day. I've been wearing these black van slip ons for a while now and it didnt matter much but now that its not 50 degrees anymore my toes numb with the understanding that I will eventually shove them under blankets.

To top it all off I feel guilty about having material possessions, feel overwhelmed by my choice of solitude, and grateful to my cousin, who, despite being about twenty some odd years older than me, has been pretty badabing about odd needs concerning optics.

I feel really positive about painting lately. I feel good about the History Channel and theburg.tv which I haven't admitted to watching to anyone except one friend of mine who now watches it as well. "WT-Fuck, yaknow?"
Recent inquiries:
"Can you recommend an exhibit thats open right now"
"Can you come and get drunk with me"
"Can you meet me downtown"
"Can you send me those pictures"

Recent Responses:
"Let me check New York magazine- guilty pause- OK I have it"
"I can't"
[No response, let the Voicemail get it]
[No response, sent the pictures]

See Y'all next year. I don't have any lists except to-do's. Email me if you want a To-Do list.
*Note- To do list will be hard to check off if you are not here.

november round-up.

old friends meet up. seldom occassions of r.k. smiling. one of these people i kicked in the face after he slapped me.

i never thought i had a.d.d.
i was tested once but used devices such as telephone keypads and patterns in surrounding paintings to aid in short term memory. this was such a habit, that it screwed me. i'll never know what the results of that test would be.
that was the year i fell in love for the first time
[oh -and so hard. i was actually crippled in pain. when i experienced the repeated absence rot- i tried to recall that first hurt and equate the two. i just got sicker. i was in love so bad my body almost fell apart. now i keep it together by using my good old back up plans. poor eye contact and all those other "cosmo donts" they work! ---if your aim is the "don't"]
that year i was scattered. i kissed people i hated and had hero-worship complexes. its horrible to admit- but every single person i ever thought was worth it- wanted as a friend or to have an intimate moment with- i got- i mean- i "WON"
you can imagine how this is catching up with me now.

i am inspired by the wrong things.
here is a quick list of items that would surely get me bound to the whipping post by literary -laureates-evils-nobels- and colleagues:
-shoe designs.
-watching the tactics employed by people who have nothing to hold on to on the subway.
-the average time the mail comes on a saturday.
-writing over reviews in decibel magazine. general comments and snide remarks that no one will see. in red ink. for example- the converge "no heroes" album. "yeah right" or for some bands: "not actually where their scene was initially based"
-writing over poems in poetry books and literary journals
-the way old women dress [perhaps to blame for my old job in the fashion industry]
-irrational hatred of: neckface, boys with asymmetrical haircuts and people who are flakier than i.
-how long it takes me to get my coffee, the amount of sugar in it, HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO DRINK IT. [where i will procure it: which burrough- westchester, the bronx, manhattan, did i remember my club card]
-soup. sweet potato soup.
-how i would move to albQ, NM if i could. or the desert.
-sometimes i want to hug strangers on the subway: NOTE: most dangerous inspiration. especially when people are pubically crying.
-bed [un]make-ups.
-many many more for future installments.

here are a few things people arnt prepared for upon meeting me:
i will openly insult you to see if you can take it. a quick ribbing. nothing terrible. if im tipsed, it will be a little more insulting. i dont lose my judgement innebriated. men have made this mistake. i've gotten into confrontations. most of the time i'll walk away but there might be an offshoot that i'll be ready to throwdown. unispired drinking. its not romantic. no one cares if you get high or drink. people who usually care are usually not very inspired themselves and are on that -yes- journey.
i'll most likely chose music over friendship unless the friendship has nothing to do with music. i'll compromise in relationships. i am a more positive person than those who claim to be but lead miserable unfulfilling lives.
ALRIGHT.