pathos

co-morbid.

sat there just pulling on my fingers to loosen
the circulation
plotting my mouth into a fixed brick-
a psych textbook from the 60s gritted in my mitts.
actual painful swallowing. why are they ignoring everything?
notation in pencil in the margins. i love her handwriting. LOOK AT THAT QUASI R.
why are there more statistics on rats then in chem books?
i was born in the year of the rat;
i've returned, [to] monkeys.
swish swish.
today my back hurt. my pants stretch weird,
but im trying not to care. i dont want to wash them. i sleep in them sometimes when i fling myself into the covers with abandon that doesnt put me to sleep
but keeps me there;
not movable.

there are weak threads. i know because i sew.
not much just one thing to another occassionally.
i lost my thimble. even the plastic one. now i use my teeth or
my kneecap.

i love finding things and feeding cute
animals who go back to sleep. [isn't that so sweet and lovable, arn't i humane?]

the other night this guy performed at rock and music hall and i went with the expectation to hate it [i usually need forty amps or one sunn nowadays. dont worry im almost over it] but really the lyrics were terribly insightful and honest. [what did i come up with? i was cold next to the octopus get money getmoneymoney]. i thought to myself...that guy is good looking AND smart? he must be a total fuck. he seems too stable. i wonder what his apartment looks like. wait...i could care-less.
the amount of female bashing im privy to sometimes is quite alarming. i dont judge females on their sexual ways. the things that come with it are more important. sex is just the act. its like that with everyone. ive become pretty numb lately but ive had the fits. i found someone good looking and smart once.
he didnt speak english too good. i couldnt keep up my end of the bargain.

i was reading to MY anyucam some things written about -ache and we were hysterical. my monthly adaptations are pretty anecdotal but i realized that she was tearing and my mouth had gone metal tasting. ohhh no ones gonna know but you
i said
no ones ever gonna know what happened
to me but you.


i'll never be able to convey.
eh no more excuses-

ill get back into the love-swing. [half-joke]

My Nooner

pop my jaw back into place for the tenth time this hour
and things seem ok.
i mean im extremely satisfied with the nothing that expands in this mutating landcape. i

never have any idea where i am when i get all worked up and more often then not,
:i shall make this secret public...
i want to scream "I AM BLIND" because i have no idea what im looking at.

there are certain truths we hold to be evident:

• monkey's can learn to smoke cigarettes and have attachment issues.

• usually your guts are right until the day they fester and or get pumped/pummeled.

• you should not take sleeping medication with alcohol, even recreational dismal drinks thatyou find corny and ironic but in the end you resign to things like: "im drinking a sparks lite in my room watching married with children from a crazy straw and one part of that straw is a real straw and the other part is a whistle[!]"
  

I was so swift tonight with the trains. The nyc subway system and I have had a long relationship spannnning time that always winds up with me looking at my watch yet reluctant to leave my freaks whom I've come to feel a comaraderie with as we speed through hellish sooty tunnels.
I had to meet Ian for a movie. [BORAT]
Was it a date if I didn't pay him for the ticket because I forgot? We laugh at naked men..... maybe thats not a date but our everlasting bond in pervisity of nude wrestling and jangles.

Which reminds me[.]... Last night I went to pete's candy store and dan walked in dressed like
long john silver. yellow slicker, black beard. he had a pipe too.
Earlier, Fai saw her first nyc rats [is that possible, how has she never seen rats? its the
stereotype everyone loves [along with junkies lying over the hoods of cars or something: see jason number 9.. the one with the nyc opening]?

We saw a couple break up in a pizza place. It was tragic. bro, go home and do that. Maybe their
house burnt down and thats why they were crying and holding eachother. Or maybe they were
breaking up after their apt burnt down.

WELL after a whole lotta walking around [i was bouncing at one point, the polar states of my
personality were in high gear...] we all got home somehow. [read:my car] 3 brrws.

Today- Dan told me that after 3am last night he got the shit kicked out of him and woke up in
the White Plains hospital. What to say? Sorry dan. I woulda taken out my earrings and thrown
down if it were a just cause. at least they didnt stab you. right? uha...uhhh..ha. next time
dont leave your fake beard at the bar so you can go to p-chase incognito. Quote: "at one time i ripped out the iv and i was like fuck this....bleeding everywhere and i pretended to go to the bathroom when a nurse stopped me and i got on a bus right outside."

This blogging sure is fun. Usually all this stuff just wads up to decompose.

im retiring.

just wait
ing
for the knees to subside into the strict
funtions they had:
once said,
look at the way that mouth munches into the own mush
of its teeth.
exercised with apple jacks, some sugar roasted gum sand,
which is harder than sleeping.

i only eat swallow. i only eat swallow! i pant sweating from my tongue,
wags a clockwork mantlepiece.
ahhh gilded words.

i gave up spelling, i would sit there silently finding skin to check on replacing my drink into the exact rings it had made on the antique wood. oh, how i longed for the wood to be beated into paper so i could write. if only this jail cell were steel paper.