instep.

and finally what was bothering me was that i would forget to turn off the light
or double back to swallow a vitamin
or forget to take tea with me on especially cold days
where my scarf served my jacket a banquet dinner.

honestly i became obessed with the past compared to the present
and the future of money and when exactly my soles would wear thin.

i wasn't in any type of predicament but the fact that the door didn't close all the way
made me laugh and the
sound of my keys in locks made me bite my lip so hard there was blood-
really blood inside my mouth
that i would drink down with sletzer.
when my keys were at my hip or stuck under someones ass on the subway
i was alright.

my anecdotes hadnt suffered in the wrong venues
but i made the choice to accept my name
as it came from people i really loved
or do love, to this day.

when i was alone in the dark waiting to sleep i was hoping some person would come
and snuggle my hands to them,
thats what i like most...
but i awoke to construction. i think whether or not i hear it
some cement is always being poured
and men are at work.

blanking blanket

and here i write the
lion is the walrus;
paul!

things hurt. im prone to bruises and picking at my face. ive cried a lot recently because everything turned into a fucking meat puppets song interpreted through a hobos bad acid trip.
it hurts my face and my eyes.

im so tense my eye started twitching and my jaw is popping like the rock steady crew.

i miss gordy. being away from her is like knowing my favorite pen is being used by someone who translates neruda into german. im never getting that pen back. it was such a fine black thing.

im really terrible. i want to go back to new paltz and live in the cold and let the mice catch the mice catch the flour i didn't bag up properly. i stopped smoking again. i got sick and then repulsed by the additives in my body. i got repulsed by my own sallow skin and the weaker light in the bathroom. i started drinking seltzer because i ran out of diet coke. then i stopped eating meat. finally i started reading murakami again- because after so much thoreau [and such a distance between now and when norwegian wood was read] i needed to be immersed in a corny cob pipe of a dream. "do you understand?" "do you see?"

im repulsed my the material me. right now as i write this i'm in my alaska shirt. the one anyu brought back from some trip. serious pitstains so i wear it in fall/winter when i need a sweatshirt. sweating it out at the homestead! im in pat's pants from when he lived in new york. brian gave them to me. pat still asks about them. they have moose on them. when i went to california [where pat now lives] i wore them every night! also, i am wearing my favorite perfume.
perfume is great because it goes from being contained in a bottle [which may in fact be amazingly beautiful] to being wildly loose on neck breasts and wrists. i never feel bad about buying perfume. i stick with the same one for about two years. people whove known me long and have smelled me consistently tell me i have two scents. i'm okay with that. i dont know if i can ever wear the perfume he gave me again. also, i am uncertain we will ever make perfume [again].
my parents refused to send me to france to perfume school to be a nose. i wound up leading a very terrible life [just kidding, i would never kill myself over spilled anything... well maybe blood. it would have to be perfect and not premeditated]

tomorrow i go to a women's conference at hunter. i get in for-ee because i am part of an organization or something. its at hunter so thats my in[n]. i go there, you know. to learn how to sit quietly and at first be ignored by my peers, then avoid them.

boy, i sure can only handle a few good fellows at a time. i really like to be the sleeper. papow.

in other news:
my horoscope [so accurate i have to share, so scary its true, so true my life has changed and i am again homeless in my home]:

"Reaching understanding with others concerning feelings and emotional issues is a special focus for you at this time. Resist the lure of something that is obviously bad for you. You must be willing to break out of a downward spiral by accepting the inevitable. The line between the foolish and the wise has never been more clearly drawn."

what a fire sign! where's my wet blanket?
---------
-ian and will at arlenes grocery
-mxbx
-tickets to olympia
-cr portfolio
-bankxit

help. there is a bar across the street.
they have a raucous karaoke night but tonight
its JAZZ
and right now its a sax jazz rendition of smells like teen spirit.

what?
why.
gordy is trying to knock misc. things over. pill bottles and skrewdrivers.
tonight the kitchen cabinet fell OFF OF THE WALL. only one dish was broken. i wasn't here for it but wow... [too bad i brought my cat here and my landlord had to say this about fai]:
"she black and make neighborhood look bad"
and then when called a rascist:
"i have many puerto rican friends"
but not in astoria.... right?

as fai would say: "afro peruvian: TAKE A RACE CLASS"
she moved to bushwick. i have a sick history with that place including:
getting offered crack
being asked out on a date in which crack smoking would be the seduction stage
obtaining the keys to some guys apartment that i hardly knew back then and then inviting people over while he flew to texas. drinking forties and brushing roaches off me in my sleep.
kissing sabrinz on the cheek after having a stoop talk where we watched the rats mate.

oh man. Smells like teen spirit again after crazy jazzy flutter interlude.
even hitting the high notes.
woosh.


so what do i do? i dont know. keep reading walden and writing crazy short stories that get czech plusses. working and wiping yoghurt out of demz hair? no non ononono
watching HOUSE in bed with my mom while we tell tall tales about neighbors, including deceased ones.
YESSSSSSSSSSs.

summons infection.

yesterday i had to go to court for my favorite reasons: the ole pink sheet. aka nyc summons.

let it be known that i was extremely guilty of the "crime" i committed. yes, i was in a "park after dark." i was drinking but at that time i had downed it and was clean. i was the most level headed of the bunch, and proceeded to calmly persuade the officers from being douches. however, as anyone knows, they were typical cops and wrote me up anyway, making several mistakes on the summons. of the ticketed group i was the only one who showed. my friend harry took off on foot down the block, my friend danielle made way to denver, and that other kid- corey, he was a squatter whom i only met that night. supposedly his long locks were cut later the next day.
he told my friend he'd like to date her.
she said no way because he didn't have neck tattoos.

anyway.
my case was dismissed yesterday. they let me off [just like the trespassing and untimely lapse of judgment when i lit up a cigarette in front of some cops on new years '05 in the subway station].
i am quite the summons magnet.

i have a sinus infection. i am at my house for the first time in a week. obituary tickets. mountain goats tickets. klonopin.

tamborines for the lord of silk thread.

hi,
this is the owner of this blog.
hi.

today i had food at a place that i think was trying to poison me. or make me vomit in front of people. or just playing a cruel joke where the soda and ketchup and salad and chicken was filtered through five month old yoghurt and goats milk, prepared to swim rancid in my stomach. heaving like a storm that would flood Pinocchio's heart.
saladhead.

branchworms invaded the outermost finger on my left shoulder and wont let any conscience wary flutterbirds land there to whisper the good news in my ear. the downside of all of this is that i have snails with demon antennas leaving slime trails through my life. a grueling way to go down, if i were provoked for a response.

brand spanking new molskine. big one- as big as they get. leave the new paltz one behind and get started on all of this gumbo that wrestles my mind and hands. wrings my hands like washcloths and flaps them like umbrellas indoors.

i don't know what to say so i just tell you i can not see you today. maybe tomorrow as i mend with tonight, the nautical breeze will uncrust my throat and i can be honest. i thought about walking down to the water. i forgot how heavy my feet are. wear sunscreen on my lips and pass as a person who burns everywhere but the softest part of her body, heart centered in mouth.

mattress trouble.

gosh.
i wish i had some very nice wooden floors
to make sticky with spilled stuff and clean them up
feel accomplished.

wellie.
i have to go to work. gonna miss it for this month definitely.
love these children so much.

also:
coke zero cherry
itching/scratching
glass
old american cars
bootleg dvds
not bonhoeffer
barrettes. i really love barrettes.

it took me forever to get my scripts this month. the secretary at the office was completely out of her mind. she was rude for no reason. fire her, please. god DAMN. people who work in offices around union square. efk. this week-end was so great. i drank two liters of diet soda and watched the fast and the furious: tokyo drift. i guess some of my friends graduated from college. uhhhh. congrats. see you back in new york. if you are moving to LA, good luck. have fun in LA. i was watching skate videos [see: in bed all weekend scratching drinking soda with comfy blankets and gin and tonics. a good send off week-end] and i love recognizing locations from LA and SF. too glad to be in NY though. this summer is going to be weird. things happen when you least expect them too. someone fly me to olympia. someone fly me to greece. we can stay for free, promise.

i bought an irvine welsh book. i have plenty of other books to read but i guess i can not commit to those others. i've read everything Welsh has ever written. the good and the iffy.

i got into an iffy tiff with the head of the religion department. [not really a full blown tiff but she's a tough nut to crack. she left a message on my goddamn answering machine!]

proposed:
the rest of the year i'll be a little more reckless but

infinitely more organized.

inviserable.

we all stall,
make mistakes;
sink the basket when no one is looking.

sometimes we're french,
sometimes we can't pay 700 in rent for a shitty place that probably has bedbugs.


style the hair of little kids
who only seem to wear variations of pink.
----
uh.
i am scared to look at my bank account. because i have next to nothing in there and i may possibly have another school to tuitio-size. i also lost my bankcard. and my glass earring. oh yeah... i should go buy hella's there's no 666 in outer space since/for i love the album so much.

cannibal corpse is playing irving.
i'm seeing type o the next night. i'm too broke to buy a ticket right now
but trust me--- i will fucking be there.

nyctv is taking over the world. or maybe just my kingdom.

regis and kelly. people with accents.

fuck being up at two am.
"why am i obsessed with suicide" "where is god when i need him"
this is why i dont watch tv. bizarre messages can appear at any time.
actually, i do watch tv. i watch regis and kelly. why? i love the sound of regis' voice.

http://flickr.com/photos/non_delay/

so many good things have happened.
i held so many babies today. i love kids.
i even napped with dem today because i was awoken at five am!
[i didnt go to sleep until 3-30am]
i had such a full day. [so many things went wrong though!]

alexi is going to dc. im jealous, obviously. i have to be here in ny- handing in papers on kierkegaard and camus. pimping my vans on the escalator. hunters and gatherers. witty. i met someone who has a great smile. oh crap.
im upside down inside out. really i need to get to beverly at some point. brian called me today and i picked up and started singing to him. he said: "is this a voicemail?" no. i just want to sing to people sometimes.

i was going to put: "i need a good fuck" it was all subconscious and sneaky like. but i really dont i really just need to put gas in my car. its running on fumes!

document this:

lol

very funny;-) thanks for the laugh
i am sorry this was sent to you by mistake

At 05:38 PM 2/7/2007, you wrote:

i filled my requirement last semester when i took 100 i believe- do i still need this? im in psych 170 now- maybe you wanna test my blood for stds? let me know if i can get three credits if i test positive for something sexy.
that was kind of rude but i felt like i was on a roll.

rebecca kish.


-----Original Message-----
From: Psychology 100 Research Participation system [mailto:________@hunter.cuny.edu]
Sent: Tue 2/6/2007 1:34 PM
To: Rebecca K---
Subject: Psychology 100 Research Participation system Login Information

Your login information for Psychology 100 Research Participation system is listed below.

User ID: ______
Password: ________


-------------
love hunter. love. it. its a lovely place. i love when im on the escalator and the fire alarm goes off and they become stairs and no one even says anything. they just start walking up. except i just got off the subway so i came in at the basement and im like: "damn yo" but i dont say anything. no one else does either.
i've been writing a shit ton. bad news: i wrote a horrid paper for religion. i said something about a belly button. "coz, you know; its like---finite"

i think i lost power steering fluid in my car. i was on middletown road the other night [you know just chillin in the bronx; like always] driving home and wouldnt you fucking know i pull under the el train, except my wheel wouldnt turn and i already accelerated. this isnt an "i think" so much as "i know."
how, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS AREKAYE?
well.
a. i know what power steering fluid smells like
b. i think it might have water in it [think-frozen]
c. i just popped my hood and took care of this issue a couple of weeks ago and noticed some non consistent traits and trends concerning fluids.

note: psych170= psych of human sexuality.

Realizing Wits do come from Twits.

I've had a very ritzy and very flowerblossom lifestyle as of recent.
What with the apartment and house hopping and sleeping in odd places, to the excess consumption of all things human: [BRAINS!]
I definitely killed a few brain cells in the process but at least I have a short story set-up now and dontchaknow,
sacrafice [fill in the addendum for those of you with jaws and a tail].

Edward Gorey once said: "I have to write before I draw"
The man is a great source of inspiration for me. I only wish I knew more about him, so I've been reading up and out/over. I ordered some things by him.

Oh, gee whiz. I have a problem. Both of my computers stopped working, mostly. One is just dead- Thats with all my wiritng/writing on it. I looked [hard] at how much those ibook things cost. Holy crap! [A lot of money]. How ridiculous. I need to get one that fell off the back of a truck. Email me if you happened to be standing around and caught it when it fell.

I've bought and mailed some darlin' postcards. All of my friends are now old and wrinkled. you can check my flickr if you don't believe me. Starting another semester at school. It seems more like hustlin' for grades sometimes than learning with a mint leaf as a bookmark.

You get the drawl.
There was quite a bad accident in the spine of newrochelle the other day. Mummorz friend [done] saw the gored body. Today it has come to light that the man was a family friend. [Of someones family, I refuse to believe that we could call this non-cohesive unit "family"- it seems to come with a chuckle. As if we were all pieces of paper and the best glue someone could come up with was tacky glue and all of the sequins have since dissapeared but you can see their mark clearly. That was a pretty long aside, guess the dead body is on my mind completely. Considering its been cremated, that makes sense].

TA.

Free Punch.

I feel quite accomplished. I've read two books already this month. I'm sure I wont finish a third, but I sure as hell am going to try.

I get pretty side-tracked. Not that theres anything so monumentally enthralling outside, beckoning me ever so softly, but still.

I had to go to Borders today and Bret wasn't working. Some chump rung me up. He wasn't a bad kid, it was just that he didn't give me an obscene discount. [And, I bought an obscene amount of books- on a gift card...].

Later I wound up at an exhibit at the high school where I saw my old photo teacher. She wasn't surprised that I had turned my focus to English. She also wasn't surprised that Alex no longer lived in Canada or spent a duration in Cambodia or India. Does anything surprise anyone anymore?

I still can't find last years desk diary. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I have postcard stamps in the pocket in the back and I need them. [I'm thinking about a piece for my arm by the way. CHRIST the train horn is blaring. why for choochoo, whyfor?]

I can't decide if I'm going to cut all my hair off or not. Ya'll have seen me with this long hair. It is long son. L-O-N-G. I have to cut someones hair this weekend. Then they are going to Texas! I would like to go to Austin. Unfortunately, I'm actually looking for flights from LA or Portland.

If the band Harvey Milk and I were in a torrent love affair, I would describe as such: "Yeah, we're not really happy in this long distance relationship, I just need to feel his touch; yaknow."

They're Bloodletting the Foundation

A stronger skin over the wrong side of my heart.
Swinging like a pendulum, the proof is in the metal that clinks under my shirt. Now and
forever, I'll have an addendum that'll deflect the descending ozone [that smokes on the
sidewalks].

A Born Again Warrior of the well worn soles and tied tongued losses.
As despicable as I've found humanity to exhibit- a constant held true before my first
compound sentences- I'm coming around the bend without breaking. [or disolver, revolving,
inverting, converting, this convection] More forgiving? Possibly. More understanding?
Definitely. How about more warped into a coated reality of reading skies while in
conversation? Indeed.

The other night, rain soaked, foreign clothing.
A fogged morning: a new yearded chapped quarter lip, wonky walked Volver
a girl with golden hair
a princess eating soup how we eat
across: a boy who is an underdog
backlog: listing in our wet clothes,
buffer zone blanket fold:

Here today
I kept
the car in gear
chewing on a metrocard
circling the block
because i had to see the way the light was
again
so i wouldnt forget
january second
two thousand seven
--------------------

Extending the kindness of fingertips
to shoulderwings
and blades of running
teeth across the edge of
beckoned glass.

There with a blackened dollar bill
the street signs blur.
Fanning blocks of loose change,
wandering above poverty lines.

Smiles farther now, because there is
work i need to get under the first layer of the skin
below the artery of
my right wrist or
whatever gets palest when my lips go blue
for the first time
by name.
-----------
I never actually made a checklist. I never really needed to.

It's touching: Isn't it/ Arn't they?

Not even hockey could calm me down tonight. I'm raging until Thursday. That being the day I collapse in a wealth of success with a bunch of seraphim holding my head. Finals, driving in NYC with a bunch of tourists, walking around a bunch of gawkers...Subway delays, shopping at Costco- yikes. The other day I worked about seven hours and I wound up writing a good portion of my payp there.
I can't get my mane under control.
The other day I sprawled out on a fouton in a cold basement and let a 4 year old play with my earrings for about five minutes.

Things are quite up in the air right now. The only thing thats certain is the tuition bill I just payed and that I wear pretty much the same thing every day. I've been wearing these black van slip ons for a while now and it didnt matter much but now that its not 50 degrees anymore my toes numb with the understanding that I will eventually shove them under blankets.

To top it all off I feel guilty about having material possessions, feel overwhelmed by my choice of solitude, and grateful to my cousin, who, despite being about twenty some odd years older than me, has been pretty badabing about odd needs concerning optics.

I feel really positive about painting lately. I feel good about the History Channel and theburg.tv which I haven't admitted to watching to anyone except one friend of mine who now watches it as well. "WT-Fuck, yaknow?"
Recent inquiries:
"Can you recommend an exhibit thats open right now"
"Can you come and get drunk with me"
"Can you meet me downtown"
"Can you send me those pictures"

Recent Responses:
"Let me check New York magazine- guilty pause- OK I have it"
"I can't"
[No response, let the Voicemail get it]
[No response, sent the pictures]

See Y'all next year. I don't have any lists except to-do's. Email me if you want a To-Do list.
*Note- To do list will be hard to check off if you are not here.

november round-up.

old friends meet up. seldom occassions of r.k. smiling. one of these people i kicked in the face after he slapped me.

i never thought i had a.d.d.
i was tested once but used devices such as telephone keypads and patterns in surrounding paintings to aid in short term memory. this was such a habit, that it screwed me. i'll never know what the results of that test would be.
that was the year i fell in love for the first time
[oh -and so hard. i was actually crippled in pain. when i experienced the repeated absence rot- i tried to recall that first hurt and equate the two. i just got sicker. i was in love so bad my body almost fell apart. now i keep it together by using my good old back up plans. poor eye contact and all those other "cosmo donts" they work! ---if your aim is the "don't"]
that year i was scattered. i kissed people i hated and had hero-worship complexes. its horrible to admit- but every single person i ever thought was worth it- wanted as a friend or to have an intimate moment with- i got- i mean- i "WON"
you can imagine how this is catching up with me now.

i am inspired by the wrong things.
here is a quick list of items that would surely get me bound to the whipping post by literary -laureates-evils-nobels- and colleagues:
-shoe designs.
-watching the tactics employed by people who have nothing to hold on to on the subway.
-the average time the mail comes on a saturday.
-writing over reviews in decibel magazine. general comments and snide remarks that no one will see. in red ink. for example- the converge "no heroes" album. "yeah right" or for some bands: "not actually where their scene was initially based"
-writing over poems in poetry books and literary journals
-the way old women dress [perhaps to blame for my old job in the fashion industry]
-irrational hatred of: neckface, boys with asymmetrical haircuts and people who are flakier than i.
-how long it takes me to get my coffee, the amount of sugar in it, HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO DRINK IT. [where i will procure it: which burrough- westchester, the bronx, manhattan, did i remember my club card]
-soup. sweet potato soup.
-how i would move to albQ, NM if i could. or the desert.
-sometimes i want to hug strangers on the subway: NOTE: most dangerous inspiration. especially when people are pubically crying.
-bed [un]make-ups.
-many many more for future installments.

here are a few things people arnt prepared for upon meeting me:
i will openly insult you to see if you can take it. a quick ribbing. nothing terrible. if im tipsed, it will be a little more insulting. i dont lose my judgement innebriated. men have made this mistake. i've gotten into confrontations. most of the time i'll walk away but there might be an offshoot that i'll be ready to throwdown. unispired drinking. its not romantic. no one cares if you get high or drink. people who usually care are usually not very inspired themselves and are on that -yes- journey.
i'll most likely chose music over friendship unless the friendship has nothing to do with music. i'll compromise in relationships. i am a more positive person than those who claim to be but lead miserable unfulfilling lives.
ALRIGHT.

pathos

co-morbid.

sat there just pulling on my fingers to loosen
the circulation
plotting my mouth into a fixed brick-
a psych textbook from the 60s gritted in my mitts.
actual painful swallowing. why are they ignoring everything?
notation in pencil in the margins. i love her handwriting. LOOK AT THAT QUASI R.
why are there more statistics on rats then in chem books?
i was born in the year of the rat;
i've returned, [to] monkeys.
swish swish.
today my back hurt. my pants stretch weird,
but im trying not to care. i dont want to wash them. i sleep in them sometimes when i fling myself into the covers with abandon that doesnt put me to sleep
but keeps me there;
not movable.

there are weak threads. i know because i sew.
not much just one thing to another occassionally.
i lost my thimble. even the plastic one. now i use my teeth or
my kneecap.

i love finding things and feeding cute
animals who go back to sleep. [isn't that so sweet and lovable, arn't i humane?]

the other night this guy performed at rock and music hall and i went with the expectation to hate it [i usually need forty amps or one sunn nowadays. dont worry im almost over it] but really the lyrics were terribly insightful and honest. [what did i come up with? i was cold next to the octopus get money getmoneymoney]. i thought to myself...that guy is good looking AND smart? he must be a total fuck. he seems too stable. i wonder what his apartment looks like. wait...i could care-less.
the amount of female bashing im privy to sometimes is quite alarming. i dont judge females on their sexual ways. the things that come with it are more important. sex is just the act. its like that with everyone. ive become pretty numb lately but ive had the fits. i found someone good looking and smart once.
he didnt speak english too good. i couldnt keep up my end of the bargain.

i was reading to MY anyucam some things written about -ache and we were hysterical. my monthly adaptations are pretty anecdotal but i realized that she was tearing and my mouth had gone metal tasting. ohhh no ones gonna know but you
i said
no ones ever gonna know what happened
to me but you.


i'll never be able to convey.
eh no more excuses-

ill get back into the love-swing. [half-joke]

My Nooner

pop my jaw back into place for the tenth time this hour
and things seem ok.
i mean im extremely satisfied with the nothing that expands in this mutating landcape. i

never have any idea where i am when i get all worked up and more often then not,
:i shall make this secret public...
i want to scream "I AM BLIND" because i have no idea what im looking at.

there are certain truths we hold to be evident:

• monkey's can learn to smoke cigarettes and have attachment issues.

• usually your guts are right until the day they fester and or get pumped/pummeled.

• you should not take sleeping medication with alcohol, even recreational dismal drinks thatyou find corny and ironic but in the end you resign to things like: "im drinking a sparks lite in my room watching married with children from a crazy straw and one part of that straw is a real straw and the other part is a whistle[!]"
  

I was so swift tonight with the trains. The nyc subway system and I have had a long relationship spannnning time that always winds up with me looking at my watch yet reluctant to leave my freaks whom I've come to feel a comaraderie with as we speed through hellish sooty tunnels.
I had to meet Ian for a movie. [BORAT]
Was it a date if I didn't pay him for the ticket because I forgot? We laugh at naked men..... maybe thats not a date but our everlasting bond in pervisity of nude wrestling and jangles.

Which reminds me[.]... Last night I went to pete's candy store and dan walked in dressed like
long john silver. yellow slicker, black beard. he had a pipe too.
Earlier, Fai saw her first nyc rats [is that possible, how has she never seen rats? its the
stereotype everyone loves [along with junkies lying over the hoods of cars or something: see jason number 9.. the one with the nyc opening]?

We saw a couple break up in a pizza place. It was tragic. bro, go home and do that. Maybe their
house burnt down and thats why they were crying and holding eachother. Or maybe they were
breaking up after their apt burnt down.

WELL after a whole lotta walking around [i was bouncing at one point, the polar states of my
personality were in high gear...] we all got home somehow. [read:my car] 3 brrws.

Today- Dan told me that after 3am last night he got the shit kicked out of him and woke up in
the White Plains hospital. What to say? Sorry dan. I woulda taken out my earrings and thrown
down if it were a just cause. at least they didnt stab you. right? uha...uhhh..ha. next time
dont leave your fake beard at the bar so you can go to p-chase incognito. Quote: "at one time i ripped out the iv and i was like fuck this....bleeding everywhere and i pretended to go to the bathroom when a nurse stopped me and i got on a bus right outside."

This blogging sure is fun. Usually all this stuff just wads up to decompose.

im retiring.

just wait
ing
for the knees to subside into the strict
funtions they had:
once said,
look at the way that mouth munches into the own mush
of its teeth.
exercised with apple jacks, some sugar roasted gum sand,
which is harder than sleeping.

i only eat swallow. i only eat swallow! i pant sweating from my tongue,
wags a clockwork mantlepiece.
ahhh gilded words.

i gave up spelling, i would sit there silently finding skin to check on replacing my drink into the exact rings it had made on the antique wood. oh, how i longed for the wood to be beated into paper so i could write. if only this jail cell were steel paper.

a healthy cramping of style.

white people robbing white people in williamsburg.
--------------


Today I received an extraordinary gift from a woman I've really bonded with for about seven months. She gave me some jewelery her husband had had made for her by hand before he passed away. I couldn't do anything but drink tea with her and thank her. I couldn't decline the gift either. With all of the stories she's told me about life in Germany and raising her children, I've become close with her in a way I never thought was possible. I gave up calling her by her American name and I just call her grandma like the kids. I'm not supposed to tell her son that she gave it to me. I wont. I told my mother. My mother asked if I had cried.
No.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"imagine how my father felt... resorting finally to the belt...."HV.
constantly stuck in my head. its the new republic of rough and ready.

Vlad the impaler dipped his bread in the blood of his victims and barely chewed. Vladracula.

earth angels:
rainbow chalk
pony mountain
sugar squaw
intellectual color cheese wheel
black & white cookie: an interracial, sweet marriage.


club foot: some kinda lump life.

tales from the six train:
1.
things are pretty okay,
i read my book,
look
down
see pointy shoes
and finally when
i look up
i see they are merry mariachi singers.


2.
lets rob these people
no
okay
so how old is charisse anyway?
i dont know 14...15?
i really dont know man
but uhuh
you know
old enough to give a nigga a blow job
why you got two houses?
fuck she got no... you know
hunts point.
fuck you, i live in the projects;
she dont even know.
----


i have cold toes, warm hands, lukewarm feeling and a set life of uneven slate sidewalks to catch my footing on.

clean bills; the drycleaned dollar.

you were fucked up in beauty
the thread of confusing red string wrung round your lips in a dark
temperate
flux.
and i was there holding the pivets and hollows of my knees
bending my fingers back
and retracting my every word
no
extracting it.
this was the way i was.

i was the first of the fruit to fall
and be handed
amongst men,
amongst the crowds.
and there was a shush
and
my personal fables were quiet.

and there was a humm
and my inviible audience was on
that string.

tied to my finger,
these reminders. dedicating words
to the lights as they faint from exhaustion.

my neck just this source of strength. to hold my head up. this pride compromised like a kneadable eraser. these days like a gift,
each. and where are we putting them?
behind us. watching us walk away.
this.
the way it should be. man creation of the pocketwatch;
the way it was.

my small percent shows: GHOST!

fushion ticket:

1.
make it all thinned out
young and
milked lips.
pulped residual
and a fully fleshed thought
has become condensed
between the vice [sic].

2.
made it all thinned out
young,
milking lips;
pulps. residual,
out full flesh
condensed between
a thoughtful vise.

3.
lips milked thin.
chewing the pulpy edges,
residual flesh.
i thought,
oh yes,
how condensed,
saliva concentrated.

4.
fleshed out lips
caught in my teeth,
how smooth-
rolling the edge over
my tongue
under the fuzz of saliva.
braking seal
cracking smiles.


well how about that.
Dissecting pens,
insects ink.
therefore touching pink.
i promised.

an incompetant wizards staff. a plane crashed into a building near my school. the dow has recovered after terrorism was ruled out. im not going to class though. my heart caved in around noon today so ive been inserting splintered beams. tomorrow im going to see lukie. i havent seen him or the girls in a long time. i bet he doesnt need to be rocked to sleep anymore. i bet he still needs jazz to stay asleep though. now i will have money for a metro card for friday. i am going to see (the) melvins next week. this will complete my year of seeing my favorite bands. jucifer was almost too much to bear. my bare skull like a marshmallow pillow of slurpee gum. i feel my bones crush and heal constantly.